I had a pretty great boyfriend a few years ago. I had JUST gotten out of a long and awful relationship and we were friends. We jumped into a relationship. We had a lot in common. We were both shy, but easily opened up to each other. He treated me like gold. He was unlike any man I know-very sensitive, caring, and considerate. He was always doing little things to show his love. He made me feel like a princess. But soon I started to feel smothered. I had never really been single, and we had gotten serious very fast. (we were in our early twenties-my previous relationship lasted from when I was 15-21). He had been single for over a year before we got together.
I ended up breaking his heart after two years. I wanted freedom, as I had never been on my own. He started to get jealous and insecure when I started to spend more time with friends. His jealousy and insecurity pushed me away even more. I tried to force myself to be happy with him, since he was such a good, honest, and kind person. I felt horrible for hurting him, but I ended it. He was depressed for months. I felt very guilty for awhile, but moved on. He moved away, and we didn't speak for years.
In the meantime, I was single for 2 years. Have now been in a relationship for 3 years now, with a guy who makes me happy most of the time. When it's good, it's really good, but when we fight it's horrible. He is sometimes very self centered and inconsiderate. He was supposed to come stay with me this weekend (we live an hour apart) and go to a family party, but didn't show up. He does this every now and then. Says he will be somewhere then doesn't show up. No call, no text. I freak out and obsessively call him. He ignores my calls, or answers and talks for 30 seconds then hangs up on me. It is usually due to him being out with friends and things getting out of hand. Anyway, I finally spoke to him and we got in a huge fight. I went out with friends and ran into my ex.
My ex was in town because his dad just passed away. They were very close and he has no siblings. His mom left when he was very young. When I saw him, I immediately went to say hi and give condolences. We ended up talking for hours. It was really really nice. We had fun. Nothing inappropriate happened at all, we were just like old friends. Our relationship came up in the conversation, and I apologized for hurting him years ago. I told him that he was a great person and deserved happiness, I just wasn't ready at the time. He said it's fine.
The next day I texted him to say it was good seeing him and I hope we can be friends. He agreed. We had some light, casual conversation, when out of nowhere he said he is still in love with me, that he hasn't had a real relationship since me because no one compares to me, that I completely broke his heart and he hasn't been the same since. He said he doesn't think he can be my friend because knowing I have a boyfriend kills him. He said he thought he was ok, that he only thinks of me occasionally, but seeing me brought back memories and feelings. I apologized for causing him pain, but said I only want him to be happy, and if that means we can't be friends, then ok. We both apologized, and ended the conversation. That was a few days ago. Immediately after the conversation, I felt very guilty. I felt sick for causing him so much pain. But I did not feel the same toward him.
I'm wondering if he is only feeling this way because he is so sad over the loss of his dad, and I just felt familiar.
I never really regretted breaking up with him until now. I'm thinking about what a good person he is, and how much we have in common. We had fun together. I keep beating myself up for having needed space all those years ago. I feel like there must be something wrong with me to have been unhappy with such a great person. I feel very very guilty for hurting him so much. I have been feeling sick to my stomach and crying over this for the last couple days. I've been comparing my boyfriend to him, and thinking about how much better my ex was than my current boyfriend, which also makes me feel guilty. For years I haven't felt this way, so I'm also wondering if my feelings are just confused. When I heard that his dad had passed, I felt sick to my stomach I felt so bad for my ex. He is very sensitive and I know he must be hurting a lot right now. I'm not going to say anything else to him. I know he must be hurting a lot right now, and I don't want to cause him anymore pain.
Why all of a sudden do I feel like I want him back??