All this stuff about you forcing him to lie is just slick manipulativeness. It's just him making a cagey countermove to block you. Here is the big mistake you are making: You are trying to convince him to look at this as you do. You are trying to argue him into letting you do what you would like to do. Meanwhile, he is having a fit that everything over the time you are at his place won't go as he wants it. So he does the silent treatment on the phone with you. He was "processing" things? Baloney. He was processing how he can gain the upper hand. He was sulking. He sees this as a war of wills, and that is an indication of what kind of a relationship you can expect with him.

It's not like he is going to be deprived of sex for the whole visit. You just want to do this on 2 of the days of the week. That's not asking too much, regardless of what your reason is. Your reasons, by the way, are very sound and good.

I happen to agree with the idea that, in a marriage, there is a sense in which the couple do put each other on a higher plane than they put children. As he says, the couple are committed to each other for a shared lifetime, while kids eventually go their way. However, he is getting way ahead of himself. He's not your husband yet. If he wants you to behave like a wife, he's got a ways to go. First he has to convince you that he is worthy of having you as a wife. Then he has to make the big commitment. Right now, he is just a guy you have been dating. You are being complicit in elevating this relationship to a status it has not reached yet.

Here's another thing that just popped into my head. Maybe he is kind of looking forward to those two boys going back to their mother saying that you were in the bed with him. He would not be the first divorced guy to get a kick out of that. You do not need to be used as a means for him getting a little revenge on his ex.

Don't get talking with him about the trip in the future where you have your son there. Just focus on this meeting coming up. Tell him that, silly as it may sound, you feel you need to do this in the way that you've suggested. Let him save some face by telling him that it would mean a lot to you, if he could accommodate you on this. Then tell him you want him to think about it. Then quickly get off the phone. Then don't call him; let him call you. Don't argue, but don't give in. This guy sounds very controlling. Set a good precedent that you will not be pushed into something that you should not be pushed into. If he makes this a "deal breaker," then ask yourself if you seriously need this guy. Long distance relationships can seem better than they are because they don't get tested enough.

Don't try to keep reanalyzing what would be, or wouldn't be, "confusing" to the kids. Your original analysis is perfectly fine. Until you spend some time with them, you have no way of knowing where these kids' heads are at. So you want to be cautious. There is no reason in the world for him to refuse to respect that.