hey. its so hard...

i guess this is partly about my avoidance of being in the present moment with him. and my refusal to talk about the therapy relationship (or how i feel in response to it). i'm kind of fending him off. i don't notice this mostly... but sometimes i kind of become aware that i put out these '%#@&#! off' signals. kind of push people away. mostly because i'm afraid that i care about them too much and i'll only hurt them. or because i'm afraid that i care about them too much and they will only hurt me. i don't experience the fear though. i just experience this irritation / annoyance. feel annoyed and so come across as condescending or irritable or something like that. but i do think that it is about fear really. because it makes sense.

i guess i was hurt that he cancelled on tuesday. i remember all the way back when i was doing dbt therapy... i went in for my appointment with my therapist and the receptionist told me that she had to cancel. i was really upset. i went home and SI. then a couple days later my t phoned and she was so very apologetic and she said that she had been in a car accident that morning and that she was in hospital that afternoon. and my anger / sadness / frustration / despair morphed into concern for her... and i was really mortified next week about having to give her my diary card that had that I SI'd that afternoon. for the first time ever... she didn't make me do a behavioural analysis of that one... guess it was obvious all round.

i was having a bad week. thinking 'three more days to therapy' and then 'two more days to therapy' and then 'therapy tomorrow'. and that was keeping me getting through. because SI thoughts have started coming up again. and that big black hole of despair where it feels like there is nothing to be done but stay in bed and cry. and then he cancelled. and i cried for a good hour or two... and then i got my *** out of bed and made a reasonable attempt to get through to friday (our next session). but part of my being able to do that was to... kind of go 'i don't need you anyway'. and not wanting to fall apart... and realising that people do get sick sometimes and that is understandable and that isn't his fault.

that isn't his fault.

but i do feel frustrated that we have had so many disruptions.

and so... i guess i was a little bit kind of annoyed or something. i think things are disintegrating with that.

i'm becoming aware...

i tend to deskill people.

they feel kind of powerless / incompetent.

(not exactly that extreme... but something along those lines)

repetition compulsion. i think it is about me manipulating the situation such that they feel that...

it is hard. because i guess i don't have the ego strength for a lot of stuff. suggestions for change... even the educational speel on the way things are... i have an opinion too...

i wish i could just feel the love.

but i guess right now i'm feeling the hurt and defending against more of it.

it occurred to me on the bus on the way...

that he is taking a month off very soon. very soon indeed. maybe two weeks away.

and i'm hurt. that he is having a kid. who he will love. and that he will be worrying about his kid (as he should be) and not worrying about me. and it feels like his attention is divided and it is on that really. which is understandable of course. but story of my life etc etc etc. and i don't know how to deal with this. and i don't know what i need to say to him so that i can get past these defences and feel connected... and... importantly... not fall apart.