Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose76
You do have a tough struggle to become your own person. Your mom is way too controlling, and she is not going to validate your attempts to get out from under that control. She will do this for the rest of your life to the extent that she can get away with it. Some day when you get married, she will see your husband as her arch rival. She will micro-manage you any way she can. She will have opinions on every move you make. This can be stifling to your growth as a human being.
Learn to keep your thoughts to yourself when around her. She is monitoring you to see what inkling of independence you might have so she can squash it before it blooms. So don't give her material to work with. You're never going to "talk" her into seeing things differently. Your mom is going to think a lot of your decisions are wrong. That's her privilege. If you feel you need your mom to agree with your decisions, then you'll never really do anything on your own. There is nothing to gain by getting into arguments about what you are going to do 2 or 3 or 4 years from now. Concentrate on what you need to do now.
I thought you were going to a college where you lived away - like in a dorm. That would be the greatest thing in the world for you. It would horrify your mother, but it would be good for you. It does cost a lot of money. If you will commute to college from home, then the good thing there is you will have less debt piling up. If you can possibly get a part-time job, that would be good for you, as long as it doesn't interfere with your school work. During the summer, if you are not in school, then you should absolutely work at anything you can find.
I take it your mom is paying for your phone. If she is, then it is not truly your phone. A sensible mother would not be so intrusive, but your mom is. She is giving you the phone on the condition that she can use it to monitor you. Your best bet is to realize that it is not truly yours and avoid having anything in it that she can use against you. It's not good to have to hide things, but when you're dealing with someone who snoops, that's what you kind of have to do. Explain to any friends that your mom is way too much up in your business and that you have to not give her ammunition to use against you. You have to be discreet. Explain that to your friends. There's things you just can't discuss in front of your mother.
At age 18, your mom really has no right to keep you a prisoner in her home. I don't advocate sneaking out the window. However, if your mom has a rule that you cannot leave the premises without her permission, then you might consider doing some rebelling. It sounds like your mother has you on "house-arrest." That is no way to live.
Your mom has way too much information about everything. Like she knows about your friend having depression. That would be a normal thing to share with a normal mother. But your mom is not normal. From now on make it a point to tell her next to nothing about people in your life. Keeping you isolated from friends is a way of maximizing control over you. It's also a form of abuse.
This is a really tough situation you are in. As long as you are financially dependent on your parents, your mom will use that to control you. It sounds like it will be a few years before you can support yourself. Meantime, keep yourself mentally independent by not sharing thoughts with you mom that she will just argue with you over. Do your best to find some employment. You may be forced to do a little rebelling, which is hard in a family such as yours.
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Thank you so much for this. It helped open my eyes to some things and it kinda scares to know that my mom might always be like this. You would think as a mother she'd at least
try to lengthen the leash so I can slowly become independent. Isn't that the point of having children? To teach them how to survive on their own? To raise them with values and principles so that they know right from wrong? To teach them not to become dependent on anyone else? To grow and become their own person? I remember I tried to explain this on the day of our argument about me moving out (and mind you, that was just an IDEA that won't be realized for several years) and it just flew right over her head. She kept saying something about family, family, family.
And it's funny she might see my future husband as an arch-rival since she's always saying she hopes a "good man" will fall in love with me. Then again, it's impossible to reach her standards so I shouldn't be too surprised. I also can't believe I failed to realize that "my" phone isn't really mine. How could that have slipped my mind?
Usually I delete conversations to prevent conflict/drama because her snooping is nothing new. But she hasn't asked to see my phone for a while so I just left it alone and--BAM. "I can't believe you're talking to your friend about leaving behind my back!" I swear I was so tempted to just smash the phone. I think it was the fact that I was being secretive about my plans that angered her even more.
She's stated a multitude of times that she
hates lying, and she sees hiding something from her as lying. But she's hippocratic because I witness her lying every now and then to my dad about how much money she spends when she goes shopping.
So what I'm seeing here is: She's the one with all the authority, right? She's the one who can set the rules. Plot twist: She sets the rules but they don't apply to
her. ...What?
In regards of telling her about people, I feed her only breadcrumbs about my life because experience taught me she wants to load an ammo for future attacks. I've learned to take on a somewhat detached mentality when she asks me about my day. I tell her only what I saw happening to other people rather than what I personally experienced.
And I'm starting to see what you mean about my mom and I never being on the same page. She's entitled to her opinions and judgments. But I just thought that because she's my mother, the one person who is supposed to support me and love me unconditionally, she could at least think "Well I don't like it! But I'll try to accept it"; not that I'm questioning her love or anything. But would it kill her to swallow her pride and roll with it every once in a blue moon? Or at least not
bash my decisions whenever she gets the chance?
Just what am I supposed to be learning?
This summer I'll be taking a lot of classes so I can graduate from community college this fall. I'm hoping I could also work part-time at the company my dad works at. I would really like to make some money of my own but my fear is that my mom will want to "borrow" it to pay bills/debt. In the past, she would claim she'd already pay me back but why would she bother if the money wasn't mine to begin with? It's more like an allowance my dad gives from his earnings, which I save for myself, and then I give it up because my family has to pay off
a lot of debts. Even if I do get a part-time and reason "It's mine! I earned this money!" she'll just lecture about family, family, family helping each other and that she'll pay me back even though she
knows any money she finds will goes to paying off debt/bills/rent. I mean, I wouldn't mind helping with the rent; after all, I'm not a savage. But the way she asks for things...they're orders. Like I have no say in the matter.
*sigh* I don't know. I'm tired.
Quote:
Originally Posted by healingme4me
Tough position. But advice my gram gave me, having lived on her own, er, with roommate, for a couple years getting after high school education, was, make sure you live independent before marrying a man. I feel, she found it benefited her, settled her, before marriage, kids, living with inlaws. She and my grandfather fulfilled their vows, happily, healthily married, best friends, even.
Best advice! She was still close to her mom, same town even, oldest child, as well.
It's ok, to want this. Wasn't standard americana behavior, during those years, either....not for a woman. 
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I don't think it's a standard for old-school Hispanics either! But that's actually what I was hoping of doing...of living independently before getting married. It's just that my mom's against it. But I mean...that's not her call.