i guess it is more about... sadness that he will never care about me as much as he cares about his kid. that i missed out. too late. too late for me. and i feel kinda like he rejected me as his kid by having another one. which is of course crazy firstly because i'm not his and secondly because i'm not even a kid and thirdly because this was planned before i started seeing him.

and i guess he wasn't really on the ball last time (probably not feeling very well). but instead of showing concern for him i just kinda pushed him away. 'cause he didn't see me when i needed him on tuesday. and we have had another session too where i left kinda wondering what was up for him in his personal life because he wasn't really on the ball then either.

i hate reality. crap crap crap. hate these extra-therapy intrusions. i just want to imagine him living in his office. there. being there. so when i need him he is there. but i'm only too aware (hes made it only too clear) that he isn't there all that much really. and he has this outside life with his wife and their kid to be. and maybe / probably(?) another kid or two. or whatever. and the time i spend with him... kinda shrinks into insignificance for the both of us. is how i feel right now. and i don't know whats up...

except that i care too much and it hurts too much and i don't know how to hold things together without breaking up sometimes...

and if only the feelings would be muted. but i feel like i'm swiming upstream trying not to let the feelings sweep me into the rocks that will break me up and destroy me.

and i wish it wasn't so dramatic but i can't find the 'mute'