I'm unable to address a lot of what you said, unfortunately...I wish I knew what to say. There is one thing though I would like to make abundantly clear.

There is absolutely and without question no blame to be had on you. You did nothing wrong. You handled this in the best way you knew how, which is all anyone can ask of you. So please...don't feel as though you have done anything to feel guilty over (you mentioned that a few times). You didn't. You're not the one to blame in any of this.

I do so wish I could offer more...I wish I knew what to say to take the pain away, but if those words exist, they aren't known to me. But you did mention guilt when you were younger and "what if" musings now. With all my heart, I can assure you there's no need for that.

If I can do anything for you or if you would just like someone to talk to, do feel free to PM me.

My best and hugs,
Harley