because i don't let anybody close to me IRL. spend my time on the internet because y'all are fairly much on the opposite side of the earth to me. but even there i kind of hold people at arms length. and my irritabililty intervenes if things get too close.

and IRL its much stronger because there is the whole physical presence things too. words are a domain i feel fairly at home in so internet is great for words. real time is harder. then you build in the embodied nature of it all and it is harder again.

i push people away. always have.

only people i've let close have been inappropriate relationships that were heavily transferenced based. and that was a while ago now... last time that happened... well... we split up when i was 19.

i just can't let people in. need to be by myself. need my time to ruminate. to play mindless computer games. to cry. i don't like the noise i make. i never asked to live. you can have this back now thanks. i don't like the noise it makes.

it hurts too much.