.. and I'm not sure how to feel about it. I'm sitting here, staring blankly at my computer screen, thinking about what led me back to this. Life truly does go full circle, it seems. Since February, all I have wanted is to talk to someone. For someone to try to help me sort out this hurricane of emotions that has hit me since I've started eating again. But my efforts have been futile. I am often told to just speak to a therapist. See a doctor. But what good does that advice do when they won't return my calls? What good does that advice do when doctor shopping is not an answer because you are living off 10k a year and can't even afford the necessities? I wish I could doctor shop. I wish I could fill the little orange bottles that they tried to give me. Now, I just feel like I've exhausted all my options. Health insurance gave us a quote that is more than our monthly rent. Medicaid keeps turning us down. None of the local programs have been able to help. And I keep pestering the place, hoping I've been set up with a therapist, but I still haven't.

I have been sitting here. Every day. Day in, day out. Dreading tomorrow. Hating yesterday. Fearing the rest of the day. I am constantly in emotional anguish. Constantly in physical pain. It hurts to eat. It hurts not to. It hurts to move. It hurts not to. I sit in class sometimes, insides hurting, unable to concentrate because my stomach hurts and is uncomfortable and I can't focus. And depression comes and goes. But I wake up, every day, not sure whether I will be greeted by depression, anger, anxiety, or indifference. Not sure what emotion will hit me like a ton of bricks. Not sure whether I'll have the energy to do anything. My grades are falling. I often find myself sitting in class, staring blankly into space. This sucks in Psychology. That instructor has a PhD in Psychology. Does anyone know what that's like? Sitting in a Psychology course, fearing that the instructor can read you like an open book? Because I can no longer hide the symptoms - of any of my 'complications'. They are impossible to hide now.

And I am sitting here now. Feeling what I've done. Feeling everything I've done to myself. The pain of the past year settling in once again because I tried to have a meal. The pain of the SH. And I'm not sure what to feel anymore. I have tried to speak to people. I have tried to reach out. I have tried, and tried. And still. I feel so alone. And I guess that's what hurts the most. The fact that through my recovery from one illness, I find myself spiraling into another. And I feel so alone during it all. I sit in class sometimes and see people sneaking text messages, checking Facebook. And I wonder what that's like. I wonder what it's like to look forward to leaving class. Instead, I dread it. Because I know that that dark loneliness will come. And that triggered it. That undid my self harm recovery.

And I'm sorry for rambling. I just really don't know how to feel. I am caught in a whirlwind of feelings. I can never decide which one to entertain first. They all just hurt so much, and this hurts less than them and provided some kind of... distraction.

Thanks for reading. I don't know why I'm posting. I guess it's my way of trying to reach out. Trying to connect with someone, anyone. I picked up a pamphlet at the library, With resources for people in crisis. Maybe one of them will be more helpful than this last place was. I can only hope.