Everything was going quite well for me until about 2 weeks ago. First it started as me not sleeping as well which is something that happens when my anxiety starts to peak. I told my best friend what was going on and asked him to kind of watch me. I did okay for about a week, then I became irritable, a sure sign of hypomania for me. By this past Sunday (Easter) I was a hot mess. At first I was numb and extremely depressed, but then I got a surge of energy and motivation and I did a heck of a lot of spring cleaning. Monday was a really rough day, and Monday evening I said to my best friend, I'm thinking about calling my pdoc, and he said, do it. So Tuesday morning I called my pdoc and left her a message. She called back Tuesday evening, we made a plan for what to do until I could see her, and that was that.

I saw her today. She said it is definitely a mixed episode and that she wants to closely monitor me until I become stable again. We changed the doses of my meds -- doubled my Seroquel, but switched from IR to XR (I've switched between the two before so that's no biggie, except for the price difference!), and we're doing a split dose of the Seroquel since it's XR and a higher dose. And I can tell you right now, mornings will be a challenge. I am horrible at remembering to take meds in the morning which is why we've tried to keep it so I take everything at night. We also cut my zoloft dose in half, but are keeping my low dose (25mg) Seroquel and klonopin as my PRNs. Oh, and she thinks maybe it might be a good idea to have me out of work for a week or two which is literally something I can't afford to do since I only have enough sick and vacation hours to cover 2 days and I'm barely scraping by as it is at the moment.

I fcking hate this. I'm so amped up and anxious, and my mind won't stop and keeps flipping channels, but at the same time, I'm exhausted and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry because I think I suck.

Pretty much the only positive thing that's coming out of this is my productivity. The spring cleaning, the insane amount of work I did this morning at work by 11am (3 tasks my boss wanted done that she told us about yesterday -- cleaning out our old evacuation backpack and reloading the stuff into the new one, organizing and moving the tote full of extra clothes and making room for it in the bathroom under the sink, and the biggest job of all -- going through all the books in the classroom and organizing them by category and throwing out old ones etc. I literally emptied all the shelves and both our big bins and sorted through the books one by one and then I reshelved them and put them back in the bins in an organized manner.

But honestly, I'd rather be less productive and feel less insane. I swear I'm going crazy