Sorry that your emotional pain is so strong...... I can relate.

I am sure that you know that harming yourself is not solving any of your problems. I fall into those same habits (I am a cutter). Yet, finding a better way of coping seems either impossible or "unsatisfying".

I would recommend seeing if you can get into DBT therapy. I think it could greatly help you. If cost is a big issue - call your county social services and see if they can recommend someone (often these can be subsidized by the government).

Hugs to you.