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AmysJourney · 07:56 AM

Day #2

Last night I watched "Flawless" for possibly the 86th time and I still loved it as if it was the first time I watched it. I was probably one of Philip Seymour Hoffman's biggest fans and I do believe that role as the drag-queen was one the best he ever played. (And the movie has probably one of the funniest lines I ever heard in a movie: " Oh No! I shot my best friend in the titties with my cufflink." )
I had the chance to interview Philip Seymour Hoffman some years ago, when he was promoting "A Boat that Rocked". Yes, I almost fainted during the interview and there was a real chance that I would have left my partner back then without blinking twice if Hoffman had given me the slightest impression that he would take me back to his hotel
He said something interesting to me: "Sweetheart, when you do something, do it right and with passion. Halfhearted **** isn't going to get you anywhere."

When I watched the movie last night I was reminded of that and somehow it spoke to me right now into my very situation.
There are so many things right now that I feel I can only do halfheartedly, because I get tired or frustrated sometimes and I throw the towel way too quickly. I never did that before, so why now?
Perhaps it's because sometimes I wonder: "What's the point any more?"
But then I wake up and it's a new day and I have to tell myself that I am still alive so I might as well do things right and see them through. So today I am going to sew a dress and I will finish it! If not today, then maybe tomorrow, but I will finish it.
That's my goal right now.

Oh, I have to tell you something fascinating... Lately, I see all these squirrels in our back yard. They go to the bird feeder, chase away the birds, then feed on the seeds. I have to refill the bird feeder twice a day because the squirrels are eating it all
Yesterday I observed how a squirrel carried a baby squirrel in her mouth and took her into our self-made bird house. And I watched as the squirrel mom went back and forth from the bird feeder to take food to the baby and the tiny squirrel was sitting up and looking out of the window of the bird house to watch his mommy. At some point the baby squirrel attempted to jump out of the house to follow his mommy and in incredible speed the mommy squirrel jumped back to the bird house and took the baby into his mouth and perhaps it was in my imagination but I think she scolded the baby by tapping it's back a gently a few times. That was so fascinating to see.. Usually, as soon as baby squirrels are weaned off, the mother chases them away, but this squirrel mom keeps her young one safe and protects it.
The baby is now staying put in the bird house and every now and then I can see it's little head peeking out of the window. I can never get close enough to get a picture, although I would love to.

It made me think how much I would have loved to have a mother who cared for me like that. How much I would have loved to feel safe and nurtured instead of being chased away all the time. When I was a little girl I had to cook for my family and my mother would stand and watch me with a belt in her hand, to make sure I didn't eat something while I was cooking. If I tried to (and I did that a lot because I was always hungry!) she would snap the belt and hit my hands. Then, after serving everyone in my family, I had to sit and watch them eat while I was only allowed to have a piece of dry bread. I developed quite a food jealously back then. In school I would jealously stare at other kid's sandwiches and once or twice I stole their sandwiches and ate it in incredible speed in a toilet booth and disposed of all evidence in the toilet.
Watching the squirrel mom making sure the baby had enough to eat, gave me a little sting in my heart.
But it also made me think of how grateful I am today that I have been able to have enough food since I earned my first own money and how I became quite a good cook through that experience. And I am glad that being forced to cook and not being allowed to eat did not kill my joy in cooking

As to how I am today - I am feeling exhausted and tired today and I feel like I want to get out of own skin. I haven't eaten since yesterday morning, but I still feel sick all the time and that really irritates me. I had to get up a few times in the night to throw up but there was nothing to throw up so my stomach started to cramp quite badly. So I will have to eat this morning and I will try some graham crackers or perhaps some porridge. Yeah, you know how much I like that - NOT! But if it helps, I will force the gray paste into me.

I hope you all are having a nice day today with lots of blessings. Oh and enjoy the food you are able to eat, it really is a privilege to be able to eat whenever you like.

All my love,
Amelia"