Hi Italian, really sorry you're feeling this way but just because things haven't got better doesn't mean that they can't in time. It sounds like you've been through are going through a lot. And, to need more help with what you've gone through/are going through is OK.
As for how the cuts look, well they don't need to define you, to define who you can be. There's a whole lot more to you than that. Please don't judge yourself on them, you're in pain right now, and deserve help/support to be able to move forward.
If you want to talk more...................right here.
Alison