I'm so appreciative of your responses!
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Originally Posted by Asiablue
I find family can just push that button that leaves you feeling small and back in a place you don't want to be and it can feel like all your hard work never even happened.
That's why i severely limit my time with them. I get no nourishment from any of them so my boundary and gift to myself is that I don't need to put up with their behaviour. I will tell them not to say or do a thing to me and i expect it to be respected and if they can't respect it, then I take myself out the situation. I sound strong but i fall apart in private and am really affected by them but at least I'm putting in the boundaries and hopefully their behaviour will at least be modified in future.
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This has me feeling better about some boundaries I put up. I refused to engage with this family member the next day. And then I wondered if I was overreacting.
He kept trying to apologize, saying, "I love you," and wanting to talk it out. But every time I told him that his screaming scared me because it was out of the blue, he accused me of being too dramatic.
So basically, stating my needs and fears honestly is being dramatic?
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Originally Posted by doyoutrustme
In my first months of therapy, as I recalled recent conversations with family, I wasn't even aware with the passive ways they tried to undermine my progress. And my T said, "You know, your family wants you to fail." I'm like. WTF. I stewed on it and brought it back up a few weeks later when I realized it was true.
Sometimes breaking the "family script" is very threatening, and they may be both proud and resentful. It can get messy, but hold your ground. If you can't handle them, then you could create some distance between those people until you are ready to handle them.
Be strong, and be true to yourself, you will come out ahead.
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Thank you for this!
I appreciate this injection of strength for my backbone.
I think I have wasted a lot of time in life confusing "health interactions" and "boundary setting" with being weak.
Such as, I am saying, "I don't wish to be around you if you are going to act this way," and the family member replies, "You're too sensitive. You're such a baby," and then I believe that family member and start hating on myself.
I need to hold my ground. That's not weak. That's strong!
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Originally Posted by Perna
I think people screaming accusations makes anyone/everyone miserable and a bit anxious and does not have anything to do with "us" and what we may/may not have learned in therapy that helps us. The only thing I have found that helps with screaming people is remembering that it is about them, not about you -- people who know/love/care about you do not scream at you. Getting that out of the way (that the screaming is not about me) lets me listen to what they're screaming about and imagine what their problem might be.
I had a boss scream at me that I was not doing something I was supposed to be doing and quit complaining, etc. but I knew it wasn't "mine" (I'd done it, he read the schedule wrong) so I just kept telling him the "facts" as simply as I could until he could hear what I had to say, look and find his problem, and then he apologized (profusely :-) and we carried on. However, all the time he was screaming was unpleasant and scary to me so you are not unusual in your reaction, it's just that you probably have not lost anything unless you believe the other person in which case you did not make any progress in the first place :-) The only progress to be made is that other people screaming is about other people screaming, not about you. You screaming is about you.  |
Wow, good for you for keeping your cool in that situation.
I really like this, "other people screaming is ... not about you. You screaming is about you."
I really like that. I told the person that his reactions to me are about him and he said I was trying to sound so smart.
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Originally Posted by HazelGirl
It sounds like this person needs to leave your life. I say that if they are not contributing anything positive, why do you need them around? Time to cut them out.
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I am considering this. I do have reasons for wanting this person in my life. I feel bad that he is so bad at communicating. He's trapped in a lonely world, in a way.
Also, I screamed at him once years ago and he didn't abandon me over it. So I feel bad just cutting someone off for their mistakes and flaws.
What's hard is that I need to protect myself first and I don't know what to do next. I don't want to overreact, but I can't help how scared I felt.
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Originally Posted by healingme4me
One can withdraw, without ever leaving the room. It could undermine therapy, if you let it. Then again, it can reinforce therapy, when you recognize it, for what it is. Of course, screaming elevates the stress reaction, for sure. Places one into fight/flight mode, it's physiological. Deep breathe, with eyes shut one moment, place self in at attention posture, then ride it out, if leaving isn't an option. Control facial expressions, as to not send antagonistic display. Remember, it's them being out of control.
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Thank you for this! I went into flight mode.
Normally, I would've yelled back (fight mode) but I think therapy helped me to at least disengage in the moment.
I will try to let this reinforce what I've learned - thank you!