Hi Calista, your feelings of hurt/pain......are real, and that's all that matters so don't "beat yourself up" over the way you're feeling. It sounds like you've had a really hard time and some of the people around you haven't helped with that.
Now needing help/support/feeling down or depressed doesn't need to make you a "victim", doesn't have to mean that you're a "victim" it just means that things are hard for you.
And we're here for you, and we really want to help you with what you're going through.
You deserve help, you don't deserve to feel the self-hatred. You matter!!
Please allow yourself to see yourself that way. And anyone who gives you the impression that you don't matter well it's them who doesn't matter!!!
Alison