I am sorry to be so demanding with another thread talking in circles, but I honestly can't tell black from white at the moment.

I'm quite strong in myself at the moment - I had some very difficult news today which will have grave implications for me, and I'm handling it just fine. I am very worried about the situation but have not turned on myself savagely/ don't feel worthless or a joke or whatever. It's amazing to reach this point, and I am very grateful to my therapist.

It is very hard to write this post because I have been given so much help from her, and I think she is pretty wonderful. But I think the therapy thing might be becoming toxic for me now.

I think the period where the boundaries were too fluid means I can't be satisfied in a boundaried relationship with this particular therapist. It's just hurtful and mildly embarrassing. At my session yesterday, I told her I miss her now in the week in between, and she offered a time the day before my regular slot, which I can't take because I'm in hospital that day. She really isn't doing anything wrong, she is being so generous, but I can't help but feel disgruntled.

So then I sent an email being frank about how I felt. Which boils down to having a horrid dawning realisation that she has cooled towards me. I said out straight that I'm afraid she can't love me anymore, the more she gets to know me and 'sees' me.

I got a couple of lines in reply, saying she's so busy and that's the main reason she can't offer other sessions, and that's the best she can do.

I don't think therapy can work for me with someone who used to be so incredibly loving and there and in my corner. It feels like a good way to poison myself.

Ironically this is proof that therapy with her did work, when it was going smoothly - because I keep trying to criticize myself and totally blame myself for reading into things wrong and only seeing what I wanted to see, but I simply don't believe that. I didn't twist her arm and make her say all the treasured things she said to me, nor did I force her to engage in the pretty intense relationship that was rooted in a kind of sisterly love.

I wouldn't change the way the therapeutic relationship was for all the world, because it has been such a major catalyst for healing. She loved me (appropriately, I mean) for long enough to lead me back to myself. But I really don't need another experience of someone withdrawing love. I don't want crumbs

I think it's time to go, and I am very sad. But fine.