I have a high iq. I'm not a "genius" but I'm two or three standard deviations above average. I am also disabled by ptsd and other things that run my neurotransmitters down.

I am working with a case manager from the county. I feel so ashamed! I feel real pain over this. Case managers are social workers and social work college is the college with the lowest admissions requirements.

This is so uncomfortable for me. I went to a meeting of case managers who worked with victims of a local natural disaster. They were being taught about ptsd and working with trauma. Inweint because Im interested in trauma treatment. I thought the talk might be about new therapies. My area has a lot of innovative therapists. The talk was kind of dumbed down, BUT I felt waves of compassion for these case managers who worked with traumatised people. Vicarious trauma is a huge chunk of my own trauma history. So I was almost in tears realising my case managers probably cared about me and probably wanted me to be oK and probably suffered when I storm in spewing my anxiety. But even as I felt these big waves of compassion and sympathy, d also felt so ashamed because I realised I'd been really hard on these vulnerable kindly people who aren't like doctors and lawyers, or even school teachers, who are closer to the gentle downs syndrome kid than a lawyer. I felt so sorry. But five minutes later they were having a raffle, and they seemed so dumb and empty headed and I felt hatred and rage. I need adequate case management and these people are all empty headed little fools.
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These strong feelings torment me. I Feel such protective care got them, I have such empathy for them, and it makes me angry! I am angry because I Feel I am can'tretaking them because I'm smart and aware of their issues but they are neglecting me because they are dumb.

Being highly intelligent doesn't mean am not in need of help dealing with my impairments in this mind boggling government maze.

Ove thought about suicide beccause it seems to me that this system is for retarded people onnly and I don't belong. I need help but I don't belong in the helping system.

This has to be some childhood pain, some "soft trauma" around feeling guilty because I was smarter or others were dumber.

Does thos make sense to anyone? Its really painful, to feel so guilty because I feel such compassion and also such anger, because people aren't very smart. Im ashamed of being angry and angry because I feel compassion and care for people who do not express competence and care for me. It's not their fault! This is NOT who I am but I want to slap them and about at them to wake up, get smarter, and go do their work like competent people. Then I feel like a very bad person. Sigh.

Please help me make sense of this. It hurts me and I'm crying. Life is just unfair and horrible.