Today I over heard a work colleague talking about me across the hallway. Asking if I make others ‘uncomfortable’. What I will never understand is ‘why?’ I don’t yell at people, I don’t create scenes and I take my medication. I’m smart enough to know when I have a bad day to lay low. I suppose I will never understand. Yet – I sit here, wondering what I could have done to upset someone this time – what did I do wrong. I’ve spent close to 15 years of my life without a good friend. And any ‘friends’ that I have had are either long out of my life or short-lived. It’s Friday night and from what I have been told will be a beautiful spring weekend. But, like many weekends before this one – I will be spending it alone – probably sitting here at my computer as I always do. What upsets me the most is why I often sit alone -for reasons I have minimal control over, that I have worked to improve for years and, in fact, ashamed to admit. Two small words, two very small words seem to keep me in solitude – mental illness. It’s been 12 years without a consensus diagnosis and a dozen medication combinations. However, there are lots of positive aspects to my life, a decent career, and musical talent. I have a lot going for me – just not what I would want going for me. I find myself thinking about seeing a movie with a friend – to just have a friend. At the end of the day, the only people who will talk to me I have to pay to see. I just wished if people got to know me better, than just the quick glances I often to get. They would see so much more. A doctor once told me that all I really needed was someone to believe in me – why this has never been achieved, I will never understand.