Everything. I'm not saying I hate everything because I really, really don't. I know great people, I never ask for anything and I'm so attached to everything I've encountered. I don't want to leave, but another part of me wants to. I feel as if I'd be better off out of everyone's lives - PLEASE, do not tell me otherwise and things like, "ohhh but your loved ones would miss you!" Yes, I would miss them too.

I really can't explain it and it's confusing me. I just have this desire (?) to either die or just leave everyone and everything. I don't want to, but I feel like I have to.

I dislike school, I've failed math for years. I love my teachers and I love to learn, but I ****ed up too much in school because it's me, all me, I **** up. I get jealous way too easy, I doubt everything. I don't believe the nice things people say to me even though I love those people, I feel like I'm bothering them.

I really can't explain it, but I just want to up and leave. Disappear forever. I don't want to get close to any other people, just the memories I have of everyone I've met.

My thinking these past few months (by past few months, I mean September and on) my thinking has been feeling clouded, foggy. I feel like I've gotten dumber. I can't focus on reading like I used to. And I try to hold my tongue because things are honestly just better if I don't talk, which is one of the contributing reasons as to why I've taken up learning sign language.

I really just want to leave, I want to live as a nomad, it won't be easy and I'll probsbly be very scared but, nothing can be as confusing and frustrating as my mental state now.

I really don't want to leave my...lover, or my cat...but I another part of me wants to. And I want to follow it, I have around 20 or so days to decide.

I mean I'm sorry for posting this, I don't even know why I wrote this or what I'm getting at. I just don't know what to do. I want someone to tell me to leave, to tell me to go, I suppose. I don't know.