By posting this I do NOT want to discourage others from seeking treatment at Kaiser. Their staff cares sincerely so much. Overall I find them wonderful.

Thank you in advance for reading

Last summer I really hit the peak of my eating disorder tendencies. I never ate much in a day, and made sure I exercised as much as possible. I was in a very medically scary stage where my heart was beating irregular multiple times per day and would drop to 32bpm while I slept. My parents were freaking out, my doctors were freaking out, and I didn't care at all. I can't imagine how my boyfriend dealt with it all, but he still stands by me. Anyways, I lost most of my friends during this period, I was hell to be around.

Then I went off on a two week trip by myself with no one who knew me. Long story short, I wanted a new start. Heck, I even changed my name for the trip! I told people everyone called me by this nickname. Still, whenever I go back near there people will call out to me by that name. It was lovely as a break from all the crap at home. But, nutritionally, that was the worst two weeks of my life. I won't mention numbers, but I ate basically nothing the whole week while spending 9+ hours a day working in a kitchen, attending dance parties, swimming, etc. I even did exercises during my breaks.

Why did Kaiser let me go in the first place then? I lied, outright, and ate their minimum for 4 days. It was a once in a life time chance, so they let me. When I got back I was very honest with what I'd eaten, how I'd treated my body, how I'd lied, and how I wasn't going to stop. There was a reason I lost so many friends, basically, I became very crazy.

So when I got back they wanted to hospitalize me, but (and I can't even really remember how) I got out of it. And after a few more weeks of my nonsense, my mother finally talked some sense into me. I quote, "Yes, I understand you're fat, but if you could just eat healthy long enough to fix your metabolism, then you could use this energy to actually lose weight!". Somehow, her twisted motherly ways worked. Needless to say she's got an ED of her own (binge eating).

Their treatment was honestly the biggest prohibitor in my recovery. The days I had appointments (like 3 or 4 times per week) I ate nothing, even though I wanted to eat more. What they did was made me undress, put on these blue thin napkin robes, walk down hall ways with other non-ED patients around and weigh backwards where people could see me. It was awful. Obviously, they did all of the other vitals and stuff too.

Then I went to see the lead ED nutriontist and I honestly don't think she read my file before she walked in. She sat down and asked me (after the above procedure already happened and I was obviously upset) blatently why I was there. I told her, honestly, "I've been restricting". And she in the most obnoxious tone said, "Well, you have to restrict to lose weight" as if I was the one throwing a fit over my habits here. I broke down crying and yelled at her until she left. Stopped crying. Got up and just left the building. I still trigger when I go in that building.

Sure I've had a bad week or two since then, but mostly I never went back and I started really getting better.

So since then the only Kaiser professional (until last week) I've seen was my therapist who's amazing and so supportive. She understands how bad the traditional treatment is for me, so she has successfully protected me from it until now. Last week I had to go see my primary care physician though, and she wanted vitals and blood tests and full on treatment. Because I've lost a LOT of weight since I last saw her (actually in a medically safe and sustainable way! But she doesn't believe me). So she talked to my therapist and basically if I don't make her happy she's going to issue an official treatment recommendation and then I basically a) do it, b) get hospitalized, or c) get told to go away while I stop following doctor's advice.

I'm so scared, I can't go back to treatment, particularly this month of my life. I will fall apart and damage myself and just one day right now will mess me up for the next month (really out of control high stress situation). Just one day and I'll get addicted.

I don't know what to do anymore, and I needed somewhere to get this off my chest because my boyfriend's too sick (and too inexperienced) to deal with me right now.

Does anyone know exactly what a long-term Kaiser treatment program looks like when its not messed up like mine was? Does it get better? Does it help?

Thank you