This might be the thread that a lot of you have been hoping would happen since the second I started to see LCM outpatient. I know a lot of you dislike LCM's general attitude towards our sessions. Well, I got really upset today.

Basically, about every other week, LCM postpones our phone sessions to a different day. She is late to call every time to the point where I schedule her a half an hour before I can expect her to actually call. This hasn't really gotten better. She went on a vacation for about two weeks and we didn't talk. I really missed her and she checked in with me yesterday because I needed help. But our session was supposed to be on Friday. At 8:30, she texts me and tells me that she is on the road with her boyfriend to New York and has to postpone our session to later. I said okay. 9:00 still on the road. 9:30, 10, 10:30. She postpones until 11pm when she finally says she is too tired and moved the session to Sunday. I decided to email her and tell her how I feel:

"Yeah. So I said I was only a little bit upset. I'm more upset than a little bit. I know you don't have time to read this. I wish we could process this together on the phone, but that didn't happen and it won't be relevant on Sunday because the second I hear your voice, I don't seem to care anymore.

I know to you, this is somewhat casual. You've said it yourself. It is only phone calls and I can see that the nature of this is casual. The problem is that it can never be emotionally casual to me. Even if I'm completely batshit insane and my reality is radically different from everyone else's, my feelings for you and for what we do aren't casual and can never because I'm not a casual person. Our sessions mean everything to me and I look forward to them a lot even if I can't seem to say anything when they finally happen. I spent the last week and a half telling myself that life is miserable but I just have to wait until Friday the 25th. Then I can talk to you and everything will be okay even if just for an hour because I can talk to someone who wants to listen to me that isn't going to be abandoning me in two weeks. I don't have to be alone for an hour because I'm talking to you. Then you mess up the planning and have to postpone the thing that I looked forward to more than anything else since the last time we hung up.

I know it is just a poor lack of planning on your part. But this happens quite a lot and given everything that I am, when you postpone our sessions all the time, my first thought isn't "haha [her name] sucks at planning", it is "mom doesn't care about me enough to commit to spending time with me". I have to dial myself back to remembering that you just suck at time and I can do that, but it hurts every time because I remember all those times my real mom said she'd play with me or look at something I made and she never put down the phone or stopped cleaning to do it because she never felt like what I wanted to show her or the time I wanted to spend with her was nearly as important as the work she had to do. I already know that I can never be as important to you as you are to me. I'm not trying to get you to change that. I'm just asking you to please not causally remind me of that every other week because it isn't pleasant to remember.

I'm sorry if this is upsetting or makes you feel guilty. That's not my intention. I just want you to know how this upsets me and if you could maybe tell me you aren't upset with me for being upset and writing this I'd really appreciate it. I already know I'll be refreshing my inbox every hour on the hour tomorrow after sending this and I just ask you to spare me of that.

You still don't have to be perfect. I still like that you're imperfect. Just please try to remember how emotionally invested I am in this. I still love you and I still really REALLY appreciate how you are always there for me when I really need you. I'm just upset over scheduling and I'll get over it by the time daylight breaks."

So I guess I kinda called her out. Was this too much? I'm now (as I predicted) nervous.