Thank you both for your replies. I definitely am at a point in my life.. where I desperately want to be able to reach out. I feel stuck now, though. Because I tried and I feel as though I failed. It creates this vicious circle. I haven't gotten around to calling any of them. Today seemed to drag on and on, and I lost track of time as I was writing essays and sulking... it happens sometimes. Before I knew it, I'd lost a day. But I do plan on calling on Monday. I really hope something helps. I'm choosing to believe hope is possible... I just don't know how much longer I can hold onto that belief. I really don't feel strong, to be honest. But it's nice hearing I am. Even if I have trouble believing it.

The problem is, I struggle to explain it all so clearly when I'm not writing. I'm a writer by nature, never been much of a speaker. And I guess that's part of what got me into this mess. Before my therapist retired, I could not articulate my thoughts well. He did much of the talking. And the questions he asked, I felt weren't relevant to how I was feeling, which led me to leave sessions confused more than anything. If only therapy could rely on writing, not speaking. Then I would be able to express it all. Every thought would be in the open.

It is a very real fear, I think. Many of us get into the field to figure ourselves out, don't we? And yesterday. We touched on both depression and eating disorders. I couldn't even look at anyone during that lecture. It is uncomfortable, to sit in class, as the prof/instructor talks about... essentially you. I have thought about doing that. Something he talked about yesterday made me seriously consider it. I'm afraid to, though. I cannot explain why. I'm just afraid. At the very least, it would let him understand why my grades have slipped. As I was in his general psych course, too, so he knew me at the onset of my eating disorder. Before I was this far in.

I did it again today. Self harmed, rather. I know I need help. I am finally at a point in my life where I can admit that. If it isn't one destructive behavior, it's another. Whichever one it is, it only provides a temporary relief. Because at the end of it all, the loneliness is almost always there.