okay so this is prolly very triggering to alot of people, but i HAD to get this out. im going crazy i mean it. this has been the worse 48 hours of my life. i know there are names that you don't know. i just copied this from my live journal i couldn't type it again, i can barely read it. All i can think about is this. I don't know what to do..... Im sorry if it was wrong of me to post this here and if anyone feels like it needs to be moved somewhere else i have no problem of yall moving it. like i said this was copied from my live journal so it is my thoughts on this thing *i don't know what to call it* from the time i got his text message to 24 hours later. i really am sorry, but i love him and i can't stop thinking about him. thanks you all for reading this i really do appreciate it. its a long post

scariest 24 hours i have been through. seeing him go through the pain, seeing krys,and tom, and janet, looking back and seeing myself. getting that text message from him was my worst nightmare coming true, i knew as soon as i read it that something was wrong and that he might 'be' here. i was too afraid too angry to open the door myself, krys did, we both looked in both facing what we saw at the same time. krys was brave she stayed with him, more than i did. i didn't want him to me that way i couldn't be strong I WAS SO MAD AT HIM! why did he do it? why didn't he answer the door? did he not realize that we were there? that we cared about him?
i called his mom, i was so hysterical couldn't do anything. i got towels went in and just looked at his face he looked up at me with his big loving eyes just pleading at me. the police and ambulance came, taking him away, krystal wouldn't let me look at him. i was still crying i don't know if he realized that i was like that and i don't know if i will ever know. after the ambulance took him away we had to stay and talk with the police officer writeing down what we remember was the hardest thing. we left for the hospital er, to sit and wait in the hard chairs. i was shaking so hard i was so cold all i could think about was him, what i should have done, thinking of how i could have been a better friend, i should have open the door earlier, i should have forced him to talk to me, i shouldn't have left to go get something to eat, i should have been a better friend; i feel like i let him down, i disapointed myself. we finally got to go into the room and see him, when we went in they were still putting the liquid stiches on. i didn't walk in very far. i was so afraid i was going to break down. we looked each other in the eye, he mouthed that he was sorry and he loved me i mouthed back that i love him. his mom came, krys and i left back to the waiting room; i gave him a hug goodbye,he said that he loved me and that i still had to go.
we went and got him some clothes cause hes going to rolling hills we didn't know how long he was going to be their so we packed all the clean clothes we saw. i put in a senior pic of me and wrote him a letter. went back to the hospital to see him off said goodbye again.
went back to the house gave some stuff to his mom she said she would be back later on during friday morning. i didn't want to sleep krys stayed up and packed his stuff. i got very little sleep. all i could think about were the flashes of mine and sheas life together the past 10 months. it amazes me how important he is in my life. i love him so. woke up around 6 just hung around the house. all i could think about was him, what went on what he was doing now.

thats all i can think about is him, no matter what is going on. the thoughts just come all of a sudden. like out of nowhere. sitting still is the worst. being with people i just space out. little things trigger i think about what we were going to do next week will we be able to do it? i hate this feeling but it won't go away i really don't know i cant believe i came so close to losing the man i love for good. it was so close i never wish this upon anyone. its scary for the person, their family, their friends.
i never thought i would be the one to find him, but i did. its something i have to live with and work through. i guess i did alot of growing up these past 24 hours.

its coming upon the time that we found him don't think i will be able to sleep tonight even with the help of the tylenol PM.
im off to take a shower and let krystal post. ill write more tomorrow. take care and please keep us all in your prayers. he needs us now more than ever.


<font color=red> It's hard being a snowflake in a world of Cheerios!</font color=red>