.................."i don't notice this mostly... but sometimes i kind of become aware that i put out these '%#@&#! off' signals. kind of push people away. mostly because i'm afraid that i care about them too much and i'll only hurt them. or because i'm afraid that i care about them too much and they will only hurt me. i don't experience the fear though. i just experience this irritation / annoyance. feel annoyed and so come across as condescending or irritable or something like that. but i do think that it is about fear really. because it makes sense.".......................................

alex, I do the exact same thing..........stripping away people's worth until I can justify why they are so annoying to me....why I don't need them.......I don't feel the fear but almost always the irritation, the annoyance of them...

I don't get close to people, i have no friends. I won't rely on anyone and I don't NEED anyone......but deep inside, I do.

I came to having to relinquish this to my t. I told her, I cannot get so close because I will criticize you and strip you of all worth and value and discredit you until you are nothing to me because you will have annoyed me to end....I said to her, I am waiting for this to happen to us, it will if I let my wall down and you come to close. She challenges me to do it and i think i am beginning....

You are so afraid of the transference too.....i see it and you fight it like hell. You are articulate and intelligent and that helps....but it may really be hurting.....there is some positivity in being this honest with him. The things you've typed above, dare you ever reveal this to him? I think that is the fear. But I think you would grow so much, are you not allowing these feelings to play out or show themselves to him? Are you trying to manage his perceptions? I wished you could give the words to him that he needs to hear....

(((((((((((((((((alex)))))))))))))))))))))))