I've always wanted to be normal whatever that may be, so perhaps I should begin again as there is no such thing as normal.

I've always felt "apart" from the world and so "different" from people around me that I've never been able to form proper friendships or relationships. I struggle to explain why or how this is, I have social skills, I'm not shy, I don't lack confidence and I can listen, somehow it seems there is a missing connection in my brain, I simply don't understand the difference between knowing someone and making a friend.

On my first day at school, I watched the other children meeting and greeting, forming alliances, getting into disputes, falling out, making up and so on. All of this seemed to happen with such ease, but I didn't know where to begin. I watched what the other kids did and tried to copy them but I didn't find anyone who I could be interested in or who was interested in me. The longer this went on for the harder it became for me to break in to the friendship groups that were forming. As I became more isolated, I started to stand out as different and weird and this made it less and less likely that anyone would respond to my efforts, or themselves make the effort, to become friends.

To deal with my isolation I created a fantasy world where I had friends, I'd imagine a friendship with a real person who seemed nice or interesting. In my imagination we would talk and play, share secrets and fears, often the conversations in my fantasy world were spoken out loud, so I would appear to be talking to myself.

As I grew older, I realised that whatever stopped me making friends would also stop me having more intimate relationships. When I discovered the power of female sexuality I used this, but I only really connected with people who were unavailable to me. To compensate for the unsatisfactory nature of such relationships I would retreat into my fantasy life. After a couple of times where I was badly hurt by people taking advantage of my loneliness I gave up on the idea of ever finding love in real life, but my fantasy life lived on. I still have periods where I become so deeply immersed in this other life that I talk out loud.

I don't know whether any of this has caused or contributed to my depression or whether it is a feature of my depression. However, I'm coming to realise that this current episode of depression will not end until I resolve this once and for all. I'm horribly lonely and have no-one in the real world that I can share this with. In the past I tried talking to a therapist about this, but he kept pushing me to admit there is a sexual basis to my fantasy life, which there isn't, my "other life" began long before I became sexually aware and active. Eventually, I felt the therapist was either demeaning me, or misunderstanding me so badly that there was no point in trying to pursue this.

I feel so pathetic for not having a real life when I have so many advantages, I just want to be me and "normal", and I want the depression to end.