I've realized something that I think is true - of course that doesn't mean it is - but that I can never bring up with my T. I feel so guilty thinking it.

I feel that she quite possibly used me to meet her own needs a bit at a time in her life when she was in between boyfriends and perhaps had a slight lull in terms of her life being full. She told me openly and enthusiastically once that it was great for her to see me for free because it was part way to realizing her ambition to set up a social enterprise for people who need therapy but can't afford it.

I know that she loves/ loved me, but I think her life picked up speed and became full again and she got a wonderful new boyfriend, and supervision probably advised her to think about reframing our relationship into a more appropriate form. So she pulled her head out of her arse and now is being a wonderful bona fide boundaried therapist. But I resent it, because I want the therapisty-sistery-maternal-friend person (can you tell I'm confused?) I had for three months. I'm resentful because before she flexed the boundaries, I had no issue with it being a boundaried relationship. I took it for granted I would never be in any way special to her. And she made me feel special, when it suited her.

Like I said on another thread recently - these things weren't just all in my head.

You don't tell a client that it'd be good to work together because it would be good for us both to be close, and that it would be good for us both to keep learning about boundaries. You don't tell a client that you'll go drink mojitos together over a celebratory lunch when they get a new job. You don't tell a client when their grandfather dies that your first thought is you want to fly to their home country with them to be with them through that, except you don't have a passport.

How can she not know that all the things she said would have an effect? She did know, and she said them anyway, despite also knowing that it was only a passing notion for her to be that close to me and that she would lose interest.

There, I said it. I am now officially an ungrateful, entitled little madam.

I feel like I was set up. I could never win at this therapeutic relationship when it was structured like this.

Paradoxically though, it has healed me in leaps and bounds, so I win in terms of the rest of my life, with the rest of my relationships. But I feel like I need to shed this therapeutic relationship like an old skin.

Therapy is the easiest most fun thing in the whole world - said no one, ever.