((((((((Dalila))))))))))

First of all, welcome back. Secondly, that is GREAT that you went so long without SI. Seriously, that is a huge accomplishment!

The annoying thing with SI is that it's a pattern of behaviour that becomes almost instinctive when you are feeling low. You feel depressed or anxious or whatever the case may be, and your brain automatically searches for the relief that SI brings. It's instinctive, like a smoker craving a cigarette. To me, it makes sense that if you are currently struggling with depression again, that your urges to SI would come back with those thoughts.

The good news? You went so long without SI, that that is evidence that you CAN fight it. It may seem like you have no control over it (e.g., thoughts of SI coming back in your dreams, etc.) but you need to try and convince yourself that YOU are the one in control. When those thoughts come, acknowledge that they are there, maybe even acknowledge that they were a way of coping in the past, but that they will not become a part of your future. Just because the thoughts are there again does not necessarily mean that you will act on them.

I think your quote in your name is perhaps the answer you were looking for. Trust that you have the courage to get through this rough time, and fight the habit of SI, or the fear of SI, and don't let it dictate your actions.

You can do this!!!!
Jacq