I feel like I can't have fun anymore. Like I can't enjoy myself anymore.

Went to a concert last night. Was a good concert but I was in an angry mood. Didn't matter that I was with good people (my wife and my brother). Didn't matter that we were experiencing the first concert my brother had ever been to in his life and that he was having a great time. Didn't matter that it was a great concert (Cher). I couldn't shake my mood.

All I could think about was that I was an insignificant entity in a vast wall of people. All I could think about was that I couldn't be normal. I couldn't be happy.

What's wrong with me?

I have everything I ever wished for. Why is it I'm happy for what I have but I'm still feeling depressed? How can that be?

I have to somehow enjoy my summer, knowing I have to see a psychiatrist in September. What good is talking about your past. It doesn't change the fact that bad stuff happened and that every bit of it was my own fault. How is it going to help?

My wife asked me to explain my past to her and why it is a problem now. It made her cry. What good is that? That's why I didn't want to tell her. Now she'll get depressed because there's nothing she can do about it. If there was something that could be done about it, I would have done it a long time ago.

I tried to just shove it under the carpet all these years and now all of a sudden all the emotions are back. Now I can't feel happy about the important things in my life right now.

I don't want to think about the past.

I want to think about and enjoy the now. Why can't I? Why is everyone else able to do it and not me?