hey.

wow that sounds like you had a really hectic day! i hate being late (my mother was the same). the ideal case for me is to arrive 5 or 10 minutes early so i can have a cigarette or two before going in. the first time i saw my t in his private practice i actually managed to get lost for a while. i was still 5 minutes early but i arrived all flustered! i have a fear of missing the bus too. i should carry money for a cab actually, in case that does happen.

with respect to this session... i guess i've been feeling badly for a while now. around a month. it has just kind of peaked over the last couple weeks. i'd guess 'depression' but i know that my mood is too reactive for that... it is like an intense depression for a day or two. then i manage to drag myself out of bed and have a reasonable sort of a half day... then the bad feeling comes back again the next day. reactive. but i'm having less of those relatively okay moments and more of those can't get out of bed moments.

mostly it is about feeling so very heavy and mentally numb. and having this longing... to go back to bed and engage in mindless activities like putting the tv on and half heartedly watching it while half heartedly playing a computer game. lots of incoming stimuli so my mind is ranging over that instead of ranging over how badly i feel or over flashbacks or whatever. but it is becoming all consuming where every day is a 'getting through' of trying to seek out these distractions. i think it really does result in my feeling worse but it is so ingrained that it is an automatic way of coping. even now... as i'm typing... i have an urge to go home and play computer games...