hey.

i try not to devalue. i try and remember their humanity. but sometimes it is harder than others, yeah. i guess the feeling of annoyance / frustration is part of my becoming emotionally numb. so they can't hurt me. sometimes i wonder if my heart is cold. i don't seem to be able to sustain caring for someone for too long. friends, sure. but really intimate relationships, i mean. i guess the going numb (and wanting to get away from them) is about getting them to back off. doesn't *feel* that way to me, but i guess it makes sense that that is what it is about. it helps in a way. to know that it isn't that i lack empathy and compassion and caring and the like... it is just that those feelings are replaced with numbness. it isn't that i'm incapable of caring. just that i can't access it at times.

i just... can't talk to him about this stuff... partly because he is going away soon. for a month. so i'm feeling kinda numb right now. and i think he might be catching some of the 'well you can't really help me anyway and you can't tell me anything i don't know already' kind of vibes that i'm putting out there... and this will come to a head at some point no doubt... but i guess he is learning about what kinds of repetitions i engage in... hopefully he is assessing this... maybe i'll talk to him about it more in our email communications while he is away. so very much easier to talk about it in email.

i guess what is behind it all... is these intense feelings of neediness / dependence / helplessness etc. i don't like those feelings. i'm afraid that if i try and talk about them (or allow myself to feel them) i'll get lost in them. that they will be too much and he will feel repulsed. that a perceived rejection will result in my breaking up. not being able to function. i don't know. sometimes i just need him to back off. so i shouldn't complain about the session really. i guess it was what i wanted.

and i'm doing the mindfulness thing. and that is helping. so i guess we are back to coping strategies... because i'm not coping so well at the moment. and i'm not coping well enough to risk doing anything that could tip me over the edge.

(been having SI urges that i haven't had in a long while. and longings for death)...