I had my session with T today, and all was well, as predicted. The email was fine - she was happy I'd been able to be so vulnerable, and she was glad to have all the information I'd shared since it helped her understand me better, and she said it really reinforced how much I understand myself and how self-aware I am! She said her only concern was that since it was so vulnerable, she thought it was important for me to be able to see her reactions, so that maybe being that vulnerable in session is something we will work on.

But she understood why I sent it, and she wasn't upset at all, and she appreciated the information. I told her I might have been testing her a little, to test her response or to test the therapeutic relationship or even just to reassure myself that sending her emails really is okay and she's not going anywhere...she understood that, and she said it was fine.

We talked a lot about old T today, and how much I miss her, but how I'm also ambivalent because of how unimportant I was to her. But I told her about how I'd internalized old T's voice for awhile and how it made me really sad that I'd started to forget little things she did, her mannerisms, the inflection of her voice. And I know I did the right thing by leaving her, but at the same time, she's just a person. A person who I occasionally saw doing really human things and who I know tried her best for me, and whom I am fond of. T said that it makes sense that I would feel that connection to her, since she was helpful to me and since I did share so much with her.

I told her that old T said I could write her an email, but that she wouldn't respond back, and I wanted to write her something just to tell her how important she was to me and how much of a difference she'd made to me, on the off chance that doing so might make her even a little bit happy, but at the same time, not getting a response would make me crazy, and I don't think there's anything I can do in the world to make old T happy - I just don't matter that much to her, and she always saw any comment on our relationship as a reflection on me rather than an interpersonal thing, so I don't think it would matter to her.

T said it probably would matter to her, because Ts go into the business because they want to help people, and if it didn't mean anything to her, that's her own issue and not mine. She thought it was really sweet that I wanted to send old T something, and she said it was even okay to hold out a little bit of hope for a response as long as I don't expect it of her. I said I would think about it, but I wasn't ready yet.

We also talked about emotions, and how sometimes I jump too quickly into coping skills instead of really feeling those emotions and letting them dissipate on their own - coping skills should be a last resort, not a first resort to use at the first sign of a negative feeling. We will probably start doing that work soon - getting comfortable with emotions instead of jumping straight into distraction/grounding tools/mindfulness, etc. since those things aren't really what I need right now.

It was a surprisingly calm session. I think this T is a winner. She is super expressive and empathetic and understanding and just what I need. And admits to caring about her clients!!! Without even any arm twisting.