You want to know what it is like being me. I have the perfect analogy.

Imagine been trapped underwater. You're drowning and searching for air. There in the distance you see an air pocket and are filled with the energy and the drive to survive. You swim towards it only to find that it was an illusion. You scream and some air escapes your lungs. You are that much close to drowning, but still searching for air. You see another air pocket, but again it proves to be another illusion. You are running out of air and close to drowning. You search around for another pocket, but there are none in sight. You want to inhale, but know that it would mean your death, so you keep holding your breath. Your chest is bursting and you don't know how much longer you can hold on. There in the distance you see another pocket. You swim towards it and pray that this one is real.