Well, two if you count me asking if this is the right place to post this..With so many sub-topics and main topics, and the fact I'm not sure what I would be "diagnosed" as it's very hard for me to place it in a thread where it's 100% correct.. Sorry guys..

My question, other than that is this: Am I crazy?

I've been through a lot in my life (and I am sure some have gone through more than I have been through). I started having symptoms around 8/9 years old.. At first my symptom was just trichotillomania to cope with my home life...As I got a bit older and hit puberty the real "fun" began.. My babysitter had gotten me to quit pulling hair (a habit I picked up at 20 all over again) BUT now I had intense fears of abandonment, paranoia that people want to hurt me, fear of death (though I'm not sure if it could be from almost drowning 4 times - 3 of which were someone else trying to drown me), emptiness, serious dissociation (I'm talking there are months I lost track of ... In fact, in 8th grade I lost most of that school year.. It's weird though, it's hazy.. Like, I felt like I was watching myself some of the times..But then I have no idea what happened the other times..And I'd be smashed back to earth one day out of the blue and think "oh, crap..the school year is almost over...wait have i even gone to school this year? did I meet anyone? do homework?".. Things like that..) , impulsive buying/drinking "because I felt better"..Things like that..

Looking into it I have some symptoms of BPD..Which I wondered since I was 16 if I had (and still wonder)..BUT.. I can't tell if I'm just crazy, if it's all in my head (except the traumas I've been through..They're real..Very...very..uncomfortably real..)

I used to think it was no big deal I'd lose weeks/months/school years worth of time.. I'm older now.. And my crazy relationships, fears, and emptiness are causing me a lot of distress.

I still dissociate, even at 23.. I still have fear of being abandoned, fear of dying, fear of a lot of things... I still cry one hour and I'm fine and even embarrassed the next.. I still struggle with feeling hollow.. I still can't tell if I'm real or not, and most days I feel like I'm watching a game or a movie on a tv.. It's like, it's not real it's just a ride..Go along with it.. Sort of..

I dunno..Do crazy people know they're crazy? Could I possibly have BPD (if anyone has this do let me know if it sounds similar)?

I hear BPD is part genes and part psychological..I've been messed up (and hidden myself behind my mask) my whole life. I don't even know who I am, because it changes a lot depending on who I am around. My mom makes fun of me if I show her any weakness..My dad would never understand, his idea of coping is to be cruel..

Could it all just be emotional trauma from things I've gone through?



I realize this is long, disjointed and rambly.. But I'm kind of all over the place as a person, naturally.. I do try.. I do apologize..