How do you get your family off your back when they bug you because of love and a lack of understanding? I have a very small, close family and when I had my breakdown and was in bed for a year I lived in another state from them so there was no pressure.

When I got laid off we decided to move back to our home state - 10 mins from my MIL and 45 from my mom. BIG mistake.

Of course they expect us to see them a lot more and get disappointed, frustrated, etc when I make plans and then can't follow through and cancel either due to bipolar depression or panic attacks. I'm fine if people come to me but they don't - they expect me to come to them.

We were supposed to go to lunch and a movie today and I felt the panic start. I tried to force myself and brought on a full blown attack complete with irregular heartbeat. I have a heart condition had a heart attack at 40. I have to do everything I can to keep the attacks at bay which has made me 90 percent agoraphobic. Desensitization does nothing but make it worse.

I tried to get them to read up on bipolar and panic but the only one who has is my mom and my SIL. My MIL, step-father, and brother think I should just "suck it up", "put my big girl panties on", etc.

I can't take the pressure anymore and feel like telling everyone to f*** off. I'm going backwards with this illness and still don't feel correctly medicated or stable. I've only recently come to grips with this illness myself as I was diagnosed late in life at 43.

When the panic happens and I let them down again I go into depression or mixed state.

I've tried to explain I can't make plans and just need to be spontaneous. I'm tired of hurting people I love but I'm tired of the pressure too which destabilizes me further.

I can't move away until next June when my son graduates high school.

I apologize for this being so long but had to get it off my chest and knew someone here would understand.