Hi, Trebyn. I know exactly how you feel. My first abuser was my mother. She was so cold that she never hugged me. I too feel like a shell of a person and do not understand and have never experienced love. It was never taught to me. I am sorry for what you have gone through. The effects of trauma on my life, like yours, have been enduring and run deep. T's (like judges) don't seem to understand and the treatments have not done much.

You have been waiting too long for a T. Are there any other resources you can use? Other therapists? Self help books / CDs you can order? Have you tried meditation classes. (They have helped some sufferers.)

To get to know yourself better you have to go out and to things, first with yourself and then with others. Go walking or bike riding, read novels, take courses, develop interests, hobbies and values. Once you develop values and hobbies, you are ready to make friends and lovers. (That's the commonality with friends and lovers - values and interests.) It's a slow process. My best friend died 5 years ago and I am just starting to get on my feet and recover from the loss. Tomorrow I will be meeting a prospective friend from an internet ad. I don't have high expectations but it's an attempt.

I wish you all the best.