Quote:
Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl
Ally  Yep, seeing lots of parallels! It is so maddeningly complicated when these things get mixed up. It sounds like it is still working for you? Which is great! How do you separate out the friendship and the reparenting?! Is that not head melting?! |
It is only working because I question the hell out of her and now have an understanding of why she is doing it. I realize it is all necessary and not intended to hurt me. I'm not quite at the point where I feel I have gotten enough out of the relationship and can move on and carry all of the things I've learned with me, so I'm just toughing things out.
It is SO head melting!!! Because the little kid comes out very rarely so when that happens, I feel a big sting in her response...I almost don't fully expect that response because I still have the friendship thing internalized. If I were to see something funny or text her something that reminded me of her, she would not care and she responds pleasantly; But when I text her in distress and I am feeling needy, she puts her foot down. I appreciate it very much though, because if she did not do that it would be harmful to me and I realize that now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl
I just caught myself wondering tonight "I wonder if I was just a bit thinner, would she still like me". I know it's dumb and not remotely relevant. But I'm annoyed at myself for thinking the thoughts. I can't look at myself in the mirror tonight, because I see the not-good-enough. And my therapist is very slender, and used to have an eating disorder so I know fat registers on her radar.
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This is so weird. The same thing runs through my mind a lot and I've always felt stupid for thinking this way and like I am probably the only one who does, which makes it worse! I always wonder if she would like me better if I lost more weight, was more in shape, etc. A lot of it is transference because my mom always treats me the nicest when I look my best (wearing makeup, dressed "cute", styled hair, "appropriate" weight) and I feel invisible when I don't meet those standards. She brags about me when I look a certain way. My Therapist is the same height as me, she is beautiful, her weight is perfect, and her hair and makeup always look nice, she has great style and always wears heels. I guess I feel since she looks like that, she must be superficial and judge people based on appearance. Then I realize she is not my mother and the way she is treating me now has nothing to do with appearance. Logically thinking, she saw me on a 72 hour watch in a behavioral hospital and I was a hot mess! The mirrors there were cr@p so I didn't use makeup, obviously could not style my hair, and wore sweats and yoga pants every day. She saw me that way and still spent 2 hours with me there and hugged me and was very teary when I got out. So the thoughts make no sense, but they still pop into my brain every now and then!
I know it's a strange feeling!
P.S. Sorry I don't intend to turn the focus on me, but I think it is more helpful to explain why I understand rather than just stating that I do.
