........................."i try not to devalue. i try and remember their humanity. but sometimes it is harder than others, yeah. i guess the feeling of annoyance / frustration is part of my becoming emotionally numb. so they can't hurt me. sometimes i wonder if my heart is cold. i don't seem to be able to sustain caring for someone for too long. friends, sure. but really intimate relationships, i mean. i guess the going numb (and wanting to get away from them) is about getting them to back off. doesn't *feel* that way to me, but i guess it makes sense that that is what it is about. it helps in a way. to know that it isn't that i lack empathy and compassion and caring and the like... it is just that those feelings are replaced with numbness. it isn't that i'm incapable of caring. just that i can't access it at times."......................

alex.......you must be cut from the same cloth as me.....I can say these words above exactly, except I am able to sustain romatic/partner realtionships and no friends......

So many ppl think i am heartless and cold. But the emotions are so unaccessible at times as you said.

........................"i guess what is behind it all... is these intense feelings of neediness / dependence / helplessness etc. i don't like those feelings. i'm afraid that if i try and talk about them (or allow myself to feel them) i'll get lost in them. that they will be too much and he will feel repulsed. that a perceived rejection will result in my breaking up. not being able to function. i don't know. sometimes i just need him to back off. so i shouldn't complain about the session really. i guess it was what i wanted."..................................

echoing me again alex......i resisited "giving in" for so long (and still do a bit) as I am NOT a needy person. Always looked to my intelligence and capabilities as others did as well. So this needy and dependant feeling is not something I value. I felt weak and embarassed and....well.....childlike. I am working on ths with t. I guess you know exactly what path you're on, and yea, it'll come to a head for sure and this will be your time to show and expose that vulnerability you've been holding so close to yourself. You'll be ready when it's time and you will probably drop the guard a bit and you will get somewhere with your t. I believe you want this deep down, and that is absolutely ok. When you're ready, allow him to nurture a bit. You'll see your boundaries are probably askew and you will begin to learn to redefine them......at least that is what i'm trying to accomplish.

I told my t almost exactly what you said above and she really adopted a phenomenal attitude and told me she knows my boudaries are weak but hers are strong and we will "deal" each and every time I get stung.

So, please alex, take care of you and keep writing.....keep getting into words, even if they're not out of your mouth per se.

Those urges......YOU are strong and YOU can tackle them. I know them, they are nearby me often and it is a struggle.

(((((((((((((((((alex)))))))))))))))))))) always here as well, should you need to.......