For as long as I can remember, I've had periods of time where everything I do seems unfamiliar. For example, I could be walking down the exact same streets I'd walk to get home from school my entire life, and suddenly find them looking completely foreign, and the world would just look... foggy. In another instance, that street might seem familiar, but in the way that remembering something about a dream after you'd woken up might; not entirely real, vivid anyway, but also just slightly "off". My skin feels unfamiliar. I recognize my face in the mirror, but really have no idea who I am.

Sometimes, there's just this overwhelming sense of just "going through the motions". I know what I'm doing, and why I should be doing it, and I'm very much present and in the moment, but I still feel disconnected from it all at the same time. This gets worse when I'm anxious or frightened, so I'm sure it's just a symptom of that.

I've had a few points in my life where I've had trouble discerning between things that I'd only dreamt of and things that had actually happened. Conversations that I couldn't really be sure I'd actually had, for example. Nothing concrete. Nothing that I could really physically prove one way or the other. Just... odd bits of information in my mind that would never really add up. I know I've mentioned a few things to people that have had them look at me strange: supposed shared memories or happenings that they don't remember. For it to be that extreme is rare enough that even now, I can't be sure that it's not just a case of the other person not remembering.

Those have become less frequent over the years, thankfully. I regularly feel foggy and disconnected, but I've sort of just learnt to accept that.

Recently, especially the last few weeks, though, everything has taken on this dream-like quality on occasion. In those moments (hours, minutes, whatever they may be), it's hard for me to match reality up with actually being reality. Things I know are real seem like dreams, or distant memories. Everything just has this sense of being completely unreal, even though I rationally know that it is. Relationships with people around me feel distant, almost like I'm remembering a long-forgotten friend from childhood that I hadn't seen or thought of in years, if that makes any sense at all.

The closest I can describe it is to that feeling just after you've woken up from a dream, and you can still remember most of the details, but are aware that you're now awake, and that everything that just happened is separate from where you are now. I feel like I'm just sort of groping through things in my day to day life without really processing any of it. Nothing. Feels. Real.

I guess another example would be the hours after a high-dose
psychedelic trip, when you're brain and ego are able able to separate what was part of the trip, and what wasn't just an induced hallucination. I don't know. Those are the only two things I can relate the feeling to.

In a way, it feels like an awakening, but at the same time, it feels completely unfamiliar and foggy and just... not good.

This isn't a constant feeling, but it's damn well the most disturbing feeling that I've had. I'm sure I'm not the first person ever to have felt it, but I personally have no idea how to handle it. I'm emotionally drained. I miss feeling like I'm actually in the moment, not just floating around on some periphery of it.

I don't, for the record, think that drugs or drinking have anything to do with this. I don't drink. I rarely, if ever, party anymore, and I've even quit smoking in the last year. I take Wellbutrin daily, but as this is something I've experienced prior to starting that, I don't imagine it's got too much to do with it.

I don't know what my point in typing all this is. I guess I just needed to share? Maybe someone has some sage advice? anything? I dunno. I feel sort of dumb for saying anything, but I really had to get it out. I have literally never mentioned this to anyone in my life, ever.