Hello everyone - it's not often that I post but I've had a situation today with friends and I've been ruminating on it eversince (for over six hours now).

I recently shared with them an experience that I had with a former supervisor. In addition, we have people that we know in common that have also had issues with this same supervisor. The two friends of mine want to write a letter or say something to the former supervisor - which scares me. I told them that I didn't want them to do that, and that I see it as only adding fuel to the fire and escalating the problem. My one friend didn't see the big deal because it's not like I see the supervisor - but I do see her in many different areas of my life (out and about, on town, mutual acquaintences, etc).

My other friend then asked me how would I handle it if I were overcharged in a restaurant - would I say something? And then the first friend then asked me if I would say something to someone if they had a problem (e.g., said it was sticking up for them). I told the one friend that I would talk to the server about being overcharged, and that I would go to management.

I didn't get a chance to say that I feel as if the restaurant analogy is not the same. If we were to keep the analogy, it would be me talking to the server or manager about an overcharge and going back and sharing with my two friends what I just had to deal with (venting the frustration to hopefully an empathic ear) and then they go and get on to the server or supervisor in addition and only re-ignite that fire. As far as sticking up for the one friend, I would feel as if that is his issue that he needs to deal with. I can offer him emotional support, but I can't do for him what he needs to be doing. I'm not friends with the other person and I'm not involved.

The one friend kept asking more questions (about assertiveness - which I can be when I want to be, and when I think about the future consequences) - but I had so many thoughts going through my head that I couldn't focus and kept having her to repeat - to which she then get mad and said she was tired of having to repeat herself when it wasn't that loud out, she's speaking clearly, and I can hear her. When I told the other friend that I would not say something to someone else if I saw them in the grocery store (hey, I didn't like how you treated my friend) he said, "Oh.... ok. I see how it is."

I've been so angry and just replaying the whole scenario over and over in my head. These two relationships are not the only relationships that I've had a situation like this happen in. I had troubles with someone else years ago when I was so upset about something was telling my mother when she became very angry (and it made it seem like it was my fault) and was yelling, "I'm going to go tell her..." and did end up going to give the other person a piece of her mad. Despite the fact that I told her no, I wanted to handle it, please don't do anything. I had another friend that told an embarassing story of mine to which I yelled "NO! No!" very loudly and seriously, and she just kept laughing and said, "Oh! I'm telling it!" and then did right in front of me!

If anyone reading this can tell me what my role in getting these reactions from people are, please let me know so I can avoid this in the future! I'm very very very tired of being put in such uncomfortable positions! Is there a term or something I could research into?

Anything would be appreciated!