I'm sorry to hear you've had such a hard time. I can sympathise with you.

I know it can be hard to let go of the past, but holding on to it and constantly replaying it looking for answers you will never find is only going to hurt you more. When I was diagnosed (age 27) my Mum blamed herself, she was a nurse and she never connected the dots of my symptoms. A part of me blamed my Dad, because when I started seeing a psychiatrist at age 12 he told me to stop going because he had a hard time believing in things he couldn't see. That only made me retreat away more for fear of not being understood.

At the end of the day though I realised that neither myself nor my mum holding onto the past was ever going to make it change. I have the diagnosis now, I can figure out who I am now, I can move forward now. You've made it through your own personal hell, wear those scars with pride and hold your head high.