It sounds like you were just taught to be a victim during important years where you were supposed to learn and develop bonding, caring, and trust and feel safe and loved. It is very difficult for a child to develop emotionally if the child isn't exposed to early bonding where a nurturer gives them a sense of identity, warmth, caring and encouragement. If physical contact is being abused, it would make sense that a child would only develop a deep message that physical contact doesn't have any rewards to it so "avoiding" would be the best way to feel safe, and if it is forced, then a child would slowly learn to shut down emotionally until he/she is released from it.

Back in the 60's an experiment was done by taking an infant monkey and only giving it a mother that was nothing more than a cold metal simulation, no fur, no physical nurturing messages, no interactions but just nourishment, but nothing in that nourishment that involved nurturing or warmth of any kind. After the monkey matured they took it and put it in with other monkeys and it could not interact or socialize but instead got all upset and did it's best to distance from the other monkeys, any attempts the other monkeys made to socialize only made it very uncomfortable. They had to separate the monkey and he had to live alone the way he grew up. I was young when I saw that and it left a big impact on me, I felt it was so cruel to do that experiment. It was so long ago but I can still picture the cold metal replacement for the mother and how terrified the monkey was when they put it in with other monkeys.

It doesn't surprise me from what you have described that you didn't get emotional when your grandmother died or that when other relatives called you to share their grief it annoyed you. While your grandmother was nice to you, she was not there earlier when you needed to learn emotional and physical bonding.

I am not surprised either that the therapy you did get in your later teens was not helpful and that one therapist did more harm than good. It sounds like these people assumed you had "something" there that could respond to their therapy, but they were definitely missing some very significant impairments. Yes, you are right, the punishment of your abuser and what was given to you monetarily was no where near what you should have received, I totally agree with you there.

This is something that really needs to have light shed on it too. It is so important that the gravity of how you were challenged is recognized. It's strange to me that we have learned about it scientifically because of what was observed in that experiment so very long ago, yet as a society and how we treat those who struggle psychologically is falling short.

There are so many variations where different people genuinely struggle psychologically because of how poorly they were nurtured and society is having to constantly deal with it in so many ways that it has been a huge burden both financially as well as the overall stability and safety of society itself. You are really not alone with your very real challenges, actually if you pay attention, there are so many varying degrees of it in so many posts here at PC and there are constantly not only members but visitors who are reading the different threads, and the busiest threads are relationships, depression, and psychotherapy.

So Trebyn, you are not really "alone" when you struggle. You are also not alone in not getting your needs met either. You are not the only one that struggles with confused emotions and ability to trust and connect with others, or even needing to distance and "avoid" others because it just gets so uncomfortable somehow. I believe you when you say that you have to "pretend" to have feelings about different things when you "do" interact and that you wish you actually did understand what it is like to have that part of you active and balanced because you feel so lost, but, again there are all kinds of variations of that challenge where some people have some things in place but really struggle to find a balance in some way.

Trebyn, if you spend some time observing PC and all the different members, after a while it isn't hard to see how many members talk about their challenging childhoods and are at a point where they are confused and are trying to figure out how to sort it all out somehow. And often so many people get into the field of psychology because of some kind of desire to learn how to figure it out, and even join the field to help others, so they think, sort it all out too. It is actually not unusual for a therapist/psychologist to have their own issues and some of them heal while helping others while others end up needing therapy themselves at some point. I have personally met a couple of them who were supposed to be authorities on psychology and I actually noticed how these individuals were missing what I consider "simple basics". I am not saying that to promote myself as superior either, because I am sure these people do know much more than I know, however, IMHO, what good is that if one really doesn't know the basics. You are a good example of exactly what I am saying because of what was missed when you reached out for help yourself.

A house can have all kinds of amazing features to it, however, if the foundation isn't solid, the house simply isn't going to last. Well, it is the same thing with human beings too.

You know what Trebyn, I had something happen to me where I saw my neighbors dog destroy things that took me so much time to put together, and I loved them. I saw it happen, and I see it every day and I often wake up in a bad dream seeing it many nights too. It broke me down and I tried to reach out for help and I did not get the help I needed, instead I got misdiagnosed and misunderstood. It is up to me to "prove" it and because of that "I" have been the one who is on trial in ways I never imagined. Because of how badly I was misdiagnosed and that I have some challenges in my past, it has been advised that I don't have my PTSD brought into it. If I do that everything about me will be deeply examined and the opposing side will try to use whatever they can "against me" too. Not only that but all of this will also become "public" too. What I need is a video, and I have video in my brain that plays over and over, and the only blessing is that my husband also saw it too.

I have been in therapy for just about three years to help me with the fact that not only was what happened to me "traumatic" but when I reached out for help I was not helped the way I deserved and so I have had to have therapy for bad therapy too. I have also had to have therapy for how even my own family treated me badly because they did not understand the significance of what "trauma" means in my brain. I also had a lawyer who traumatized me because he was declining mentally and failed to do his job for me and while I tried to reach out for help, I didn't get help until it got so bad it was really obvious that he was failing me and "badly". So, when you talked about how you were failed by the prosecutor, I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT COMPLETELY.

Over this past weekend I thought about what plays over and over in my head, the past three years of having my therapist help me sort it all out too. I am actually thinking about putting the PTSD into my case tbh. I know that will be very hard on me too. But if the evidence that is needed is constantly playing in my head, and I have a therapist that has been trying to help me with it, then maybe that is what I need to do because what has been happening to me for going on 7 years now IS WRONG.

I have that shell feeling that you talk about too Trebyn. I am just a bit different because the one thing that was my passion and love and personal, very personal source for thriving was destroyed and I don't know how to go back to feeling about it like I did. I am trying but my brain wants me to AVOID IT and every day I try, but I end up in pain. I am different than you because "I feel too much, it hurts too much" and I feel like not only do others not understand that, but I can't seem to stop it.

I am deeply sorry that you struggle the way you do, I really do understand it too. I understand that deep desire to "avoid" and "distance". I am different in that instead of wanting to feel as you do, I want to "not feel" so I tend to avoid because of how other people don't understand that and it tends to trigger me and embarrass me.

I know you feel "alone" but Trebyn, you are not.