When ever my step father was left alone with my sister and I, his mood could change into rage at the least thing we did. Then his rage would be directed mainly at me... .. My little sister was three years younger then me so I felt very strong about protecting her from him.

Most of the abuse would happen after Tennis. I was never good enough in his books. I was always terrified to get into the car because I knew what was coming. It always started in the car. He would start screaming at me and then he would lean back and punch my head in the side window. If I was lucky I might stay conscious. I woke up one time hearing my kid sister screaming.... You killed her you killed her.

It never ended there. When I got home I was stent to that room and he would start in on me again. Punching me with such force. On one occasion he had knocked me out onto the floor, I remember coming too as he screamed to my Nan(A survivor of even greater abuse from her husband) get her up, get her @#@#@#@ up as he kicked me.

I got up and just ran. Out of the house and into the street. I was half undressed because he had come in as I was changing out of my tennis gear. In the street I screamed, pleaded.... "Please someone, please help me...Please" My heart shatter as I looked around and seen curtains being drawn in. No one helped. even as I was dragged back in.

That day changed a part of my soul. Changed me. There are so many other horrific tales of survival.

The very worst happened when my mum and HIM were laying in bed talking and they called me in. Mum wanted to know why I was acting so strangely when she would go out without us. He was glaring at me but mum begged me to explain.. I love my mum so I found the courage to say that I didn't like the way he treated us when she went out.

I don't really remember what was said after that. All I could see was his hateful eyes staring at me.

That night mum broke my heart when she went out to her Bingo game. After she left he came to our bed, I was sure he was going to flog me something terrible but to my horror he dragged my little sister out of bed and into another room where I could hear him beating her. He brought her back crying hysterically. Then he lent over me and whispered. "That's because of your big mouth"

He beat up my sister because he knew that would hurt me far greater then anything he could have done to me. He used our love to hurt us.....

Years later I was diagnosed with PTSD... At first I fought the diagnosis.. I hadn't been to war or watched someone killed.. But my T explained that in the brain of a child every time I was left with that monster I was fighting for my life. My step father was a huge man, I have never meet anyone with broader shoulders and he had muscles that a bodybuilder would envy. It was a miracle he didn't kill me. especially when you consider it started when I was about seven.

A few years ago I had my brain waves tested and the results revealed that I had the same kind of brain injury that Boxers sometime get.

Over the years I struggled with life and living... I was so bad at picking boyfriends that I eventually gave up and have been alone for 16 years now.

My depression and anxiety make me a terrible mess and they seem to get worse every year. I have become a recluse for the past 7 years. I'm so fearful of what people think of me that I don't have a single friend anymore.

I have my mum and we have worked very hard at healing our past. She was only 17, still a kid when i came along. My other family members love me but I see in there eyes how difficult it is to be around someone that cries to much, gets scare off stupid things, and goes into rages over the strangest of reasons. I don't mean I'm raging at them I just get so angry with myself.

My relationship with my sister is difficult because she too has been scared by all that happened to us.

I know in my heart I'm a good person, and when I was young I had lots of friends-kinda- (never really let anyone too close). Even as I typed my broken mind was telling me "No Your NOT" I;m fighting so hard to find strength over my issues.

Well I guess that more then enough depressing information.

More then anything I would love to find friends here...Lots of them.
People that can see through my issues into the loving heart behind them.

Thank you for reading