Yes (((Dwight))), I struggle with that all the time. I have to really "push" myself a lot because I still have to work to have money to take care of what I have left of my horses and ponies, but also to earn money to pay on the debt my neighbor put me in because of all the damage their dog did to my horses and ponies. In my honest opinion, that isn't bipolar and I really feel that that is diagnosed wrong and all it really is, is PTSD, that presents cycles similar to bipolar. It is not uncommon for PTSD to get misdiagnosed as other disorders either. Well, maybe some day they will have the right technology that can really show what I am saying.

After I do push myself to get out and work on a weekend where I am around all different kinds of people, by Monday I am totally exhausted and no, my family just doesn't understand that either. I had a really challenging day this past Saturday because I was trying to get a job in and it was raining but the front was due to pass. I did everything I could to get some hours in because I just really need the money so badly. I have to really work hard to control the PTSD symptoms too. I tried to explain that to my husband who was with me, I wish he knew how much work it really is to keep it together and not over react. I genuinely feel like I am holding up such a big emotional wall that just wants to fall down where the emotions can come rushing out of me. It took me a very long time to learn how to manage this challenge, to understand it and work at it so I could function around other people.

What people do not understand about wanting to stay home is that it isn't so much that we don't want to go out, it is that if we do we may be required to do what I have to do every time I do go out which is get a real workout managing the PTSD symptoms and it is just so exhausting sometimes. I know what the symptom "practicing avoidance and isolating" means from the inside, "why" someone with PTSD does that, it is just because of the realization that going out can actually become anything "but" a pleasure. It isn't always a conscious thing either, it comes from very deep in the mind and it takes time to understand, and it is so frustrating trying to explain it to others who just do not understand what the PTSD challenge is to the brain.

That being said Dwight, while I know it is a challenge, you should try to push for short ventures out because not all ventures out will be triggering, sometimes it can actually be pleasant and can encourage you to doing it more and more. While I have been challenged at times, I have also had nice days where I was glad I ventured out too. I will say that if I do go out to a restaurant, I make it an effort to go to one that isn't crowded and noisy and I can actually sit in a fairly quiet spot and relax and enjoy my meal.

So, you are not alone with this challenge, but as I said, you should try to get out with gradual increasing time periods, even if you just start by going for a ride to a quiet beach or park and just sitting for a bit and then head home. Sometimes the hardest part is the anticipation before venturing out. You can learn to recognize that and also know that you can get past it and go out and have pleasant experiences.

(((Hugs)))