I had thought about it that way but the situation is so specific, my T would be like, uh, why are you tip toeing around her name? Basically she would know.

The office I go to is a small not for profit so all of the T's there know one another well. Many of them have been working together for several years. My old T was there for 7 years. Due to budget cuts, they eliminated several therapists. Her included.

I have mentioned it to the new T a couple of times about the relationship with the old T. She knows just how close we were. She asked me like after our second session where I was with ending that relationship and I started bawling. I could hardly make out a coherent sentence. The old T helped me through one of the most horrific experiences of my life and I was devastated when she left. I took several months off before even going back. I don't think I have ever loved someone so much in my life.

So when I eventually did go back and start over with this new T, we got no where. In fact, it has been like 2 and a half months of just talking because I have been so unable to let her in. I got tired of leaving session feeling like I was wasting both her time and mine. So I tried to get to the root of why it wasn't working and it was that attachment to the old T. So I took a few weeks off from therapy and tried to figure out what I needed to do to move forward. And it kept coming back to that relationship. So I wrote some cathartic letters, processed it, cried about it, was angry about it. And I don't know. It's like I moved into a different stage of grief. I am almost into acceptance. I am about 3/4 into acceptance and a 1/4 in anger.

So even though I have done this work, I feel like there's that last bit that I need to process. And that's what I've been holding back from the new T. I know that they knew each other well so I almost feel guilty in a way bringing it up. But if I don't, I am not going to move forward with any T. I feel like I need to tell someone. And aside from here, I have no one else to tell. So I think it will help me to tell and will help the new T to understand why I've been so mistrusting and emotionally unavailable to her.

I've tried everything else I can think of to help myself at this point. This is all I have left.