I originally posted this story on the Psychotherapy Forum because I did it in response to another post that was on that forum. However, since the story involves my very 1st attempt to "come out of the closet" as being transsexual, I thought I would re-post it here at this time.

A Story... For Paynful...
As quite a few PC'ers know in addition to major depression, anxiety, OCD type behaviors, self-harm, & suicidality, I also have struggled all of my life with Gender Identity Disorder (GID). I'm male. But somehow I always felt as though I should have been / wanted to be female. I never did anything about this, however. I just kept it a closely guarded secret for the first... well... that's what this story is about.

I was around 50 years old or so when I first sought mental health services. In the interest of brevity, I won't go into how this came about. I was insured by a Health Maintenance Organization (HMO) which had it's own doctors, clinics, etc. So I went to one of my HMO's "Behavioral Health Clinics". I was seen by a nurse practitioner & she got me started on some psych med's. This was fine. However, I also very much wanted to see a therapist. Well, the HMO very much didn't want me to do so. I don't know why because they had their own therapists right there on staff. But that's the way it was.

Well, I agitated & agitated & finally they relented. So an appointment was scheduled. (Keep in mind that I had been hiding my GID, along with my depression & anxiety, my whole life. My insides were like a pressure cooker by this time.) As I waited for the date of my 1st therapy app't, I decided that, for the 1st time, I would come out as "transgendered". At that time, though, I was not familiar with the terms GID or transgender, transsexual, etc. All I knew how to say was: "I feel like I should have been a girl"... a fifty+ year old man saying he wants to be a girl? Completely ridiculous!!! I knew if I got to the appointment without having already shared this shocking bit of information, I'd just chicken out &, once again, keep it to myself. So I decided to write a letter to the therapist and mail it to him so he'd know what was coming before I got there, which I did.

When I got to my 1st appointment & was seated in his office, he asked me how he could help (or something like that.) I mentioned the letter. He looked puzzled. He then dug into the file drawer in his desk & out came my letter, still sealed in it's envelop. He opened it & read it as I sat there squirming. I think I probably had a quirky smile pasted across my face. When he finished reading my letter, he looked up & said, "oh, I just recently heard about this..." I knew I was in trouble! The rest of the appointment went downhill from there.

I continued to see him for a few more pointless sessions. However, it became clear that he wasn't going to do anything for me, although he never actually said so. So, after a while, I told him that I felt there were probably others who could make better use of his time. So I would stop coming in. He said he hated to see our sessions end this way. But he didn't offer any other suggestions & he didn't make any effort to refer me to anyone else.

As we were walking out into the lobby of the clinic, he turned to me & with a jocular smile asked: "So, would you rather be a man or a woman?" I was dumbstruck. I think I muttered something like: "I wouldn't care which. I just want to stop feeling like both..." (In retrospect, I think this wasn't a bad spur-of-the-moment answer. Were I to give it again, though, I think I would add: "and neither..."

So that was my first experience with "coming out" to someone... anyone... as trans. After that, I closed the closet door again for another 10 years or so. A few months after that experience, I made my first serious suicide attempt. But I still kept my trans-ness to myself. It wasn't until my 2nd, & most serious suicide attempt about 2+ years ago, that I finally divulged my secret again. And I'm not so sure I'm glad I did. Now, my pdoc & my wife both know. I had another therapist who knew. (I quit her too a few months back.) No one else knows. Nothing in my life has changed. So now I just feel exposed & foolish. And nothing is any different than it ever was.