Hey all, something has happened that has shocked me because I almost can't believe the way I feel. Two nights ago, I felt really terrible and had mild to severe chest pains, which felt as though I was starting to have a heart attack maybe. I am not surprised because I am extremely unhealthy diet wise and reasonably overweight, with hypertension, the few times I measured my blood pressure. So, anyway, these went on for about 5 hours or so and I was convinced that I was going to die that same night. But, here's the part that really got me. I never told my family or anyone what was happening and I actually felt relieved (!!!) as I was sure I was going to die. Secretly, I wanted to die, more than anything. I scribbled some stuff down in a book and put it in my drawer, meaning people would find it once I was dead and use the info in it to arrange x, y and z, if you know what I mean. The next morning I woke up and only a faint pain remained which eventually cleared up completely. You cannot believe, in fact I cannot believe, that I actually felt disappointed to still be alive. This is so horrible, I feel so guilty and hate myself so much now for even thinking like this. How can I be such a nasty, despicable monster? I can't believe I was willing to die voluntarily by not seeking medical help. Guys this is an all time personal low for me, I am so ashamed of myself.

But, this is not the first time something like this has happened to me. A few years ago I was climbing in a mountain and fell, breaking my ankle, and then I fell again, into a crevice and I was sure that I was going to die. That was before I had depression. But, now being where I am now, I understand the feeling finally and I realized that there again, on that day, I felt something similar after I had survived the fall, I was disappointed that I was still alive. This is just terrible, I am so guilt-ridden . I feel like such a lame excuse for a human being.