Alexandra, I found it takes a crappy session or so every now and then to get some of the crap out? It kind of backlights the good sessions. It's not comfortable and causes challenges of its own but also shows up one's strengths; you haven't cut or worse, despite things being crappy. Frustration is actually a "good" feeling because it is supposed to help us want to work harder, to press forward, figure out solutions, get the dimensions of the problems better, etc. I find it's kind of like anger in that respect; anger can be a motivator too if one lets it.

At one point I got really good at reading and "thinking" about therapy at the same time; I'd read teen fiction; Lloyd Alexander's books, Madelaine L'Engle, Harry Potter, that sort of thing and would be "triggered" by similarities in the hero(ine)'s life and mine. I remember distinctly trying to distract myself with reading when my therapist was away for six weeks the first time, was desperately trying not to "think" but, looking back on it now (this was in the late 1970's) I was beginning to use my therapy/therapist and what we were doing together and how much it really meant to me, etc. and the books were a way to "access" that when my T wasn't there. The books sort of stood in for the inside of me I had trouble expressing but the triggering was the therapist/therapy side of me so it was like being in a good session and not knowing it :-)

I hope you start feeling better, maybe come up with a "plan" for while your T's away with your wonderful mindfulness exercises and maybe a diary/journal, etc. I bought the little blue books you take college exams in, the little 7-8 page things (14-16 pages counting both sides) and kept one for each week my T was away once and snail mailed them to her office at the end of each week. It was very comforting and helped me count the weeks and see them go by.