I am a stepmother of 3 men and my stepmother was stepmother to my 3 brothers

Your stepmother was in competition for you with your girlfriends. When you broke up with them, they were okay to become friends with because she "had" you back, you were not with someone else. It probably had something to do with age/her being older? I know my stepmother and I battled as to who my father belonged to? :-) She was jealous of my having known him all that time before she did and for being the daughter of his first wife (who died). Your stepmother "won" your father but you were the younger version thereof so. . .

It is crazy and very unconscious. Not everyone is strong enough to attend funerals, visit others in hospital, etc. I did not go to my step-grandmother's funeral (which happened on a weekday and I would have had to take off from work, my excuse) because I did not want all that pain and "finality" of her being gone. I can remember her as if she is still alive somewhere sort of and remember good memories from my childhood instead of having the experience of crying at her funeral and no "special" time for just me with her, etc. Not attending your father's funeral was probably like that for your stepmother, she was "linked" to your father, who went to his grave, how does she become unlinked? There are a lot of emotional things going on, most unconscious with marriages, death of special individuals, stepfamily members, etc.

Don't judge her too harshly. You do not have to like her, you did not choose her and do not want to associate with her, that's fine. But I would not judge her; she did what she did because she "had" to to protect herself, she obviously is not very "strong" a woman?