So. This is the first time I've ever posted to anything like this. It's really overwhelming but at this point I have lost my entire support system and feel like maybe it's the only way I'm going to start getting control over feeling like a complete alien.

I've struggled with clinical depression for several years now and have chronic autoimmune issues, but I have to say that the past year or so has been the absolute worst I've ever been. I probably should have seen it coming. Within the past year and half I've moved across the country, my parents divorced, my brother was in a serious car accident, my grandpa was diagnosed with ALS, my mom's side of the family had a huge feud and became estranged from one another, my sister got married and had a child (a good thing, of course), and in the process I've lost touch with all of them for various reasons. Most of them are just really busy now and I stopped trying to leave messages. I feel like they must think I'm a really needy person which also makes me feel guilty and even more numb because I just try to keep everything pushed back.

The other thing is that none of them except my mom really believed that depression is a real problem anyways. But it feels very real. Very real. It's more than just being sad about stuff, it's that giant weight that sits on your chest as soon as you open your eyes in the morning, if you've managed to fall asleep the night before. I'm so fake now, having to pretend at work and school that I'm normal even though on the inside I'm this weird mix of searing pain and complete numbness. Right before I joined today I actually tried to reach out to an old friend. I figured, what does it matter. She of course tried to understand. She said she knew how I felt because she gets really depressed and stressed at her job. So I politely thanked her, hung up, and googled "depression support group" because I realized that at this point, the only way I have a shot at making it out of this is by talking to people who get that they don't know exactly how I'm feeling (it's different for everyone) and that I don't want to be judged or preached to. I don't want to hear a joke and I don't "just need" a good night's sleep. I just want to feel like I'm real again.