i've heard... i've heard that the feelings will out.

if you don't process them by talking about them then what happens is you engage in them and show them with your action in how you relate to your therapist (and to other people in your life too).

over and over and over.

and of course you can try and defend by numbing. but that has its cost.

and of course you can try and defend by mustering the opposite of what you need (like pushing them away).

but it doesn't really do much good.

but what are the defences for?

protection.

what will happen?

might fall apart :-(

people say exposure / flooding is a good thing...
but some people DO die of heart attacks...
and i have been known to disintegrate (episodes of psychosis and missing time and attempted suicide).

i just...

maybe it was that i needed my father. i loved him so much and i needed him to protect me from my mother and love me.

and he was avoidant. had half his mind on escape. and he left me. and didn't look back really. and i loved him. but he always struck me as kinda fragile. he couldn't do anything to protect me really. would kind of stand aside with this helpless and cornered look on his face while my mother hit me. when i was little i just wanted to protect him.

the rage came later.

mostly the part of me that internalised my mother...

provokes people to treat me (metaphorically) like my mother did
(like bob)

then her rage came out
(at him)

first time that ever happened.

and it is partly her rage. but it is partly my rage too. at the helplessness. when you need someone to stand up for you and protect you. and they can't face it. to see the despair on their face. its kinda worse than what my mother did to me. seeing my fathers response.

and i guess i just went numb.

but now i feel mad. incompetent people. can't face them. i remember saying to the councellor 'it is much better now that they have split up 'cause now they don't fight anymore'. but it was more about... i wanted him to be happier. and her watching her hate and hurt me was killing him. and she would turn on him too of course and that was killing him too.

so he left and i just take one for the team or something.

for the good of the group.

and round and round and round i go.

and i can't even escape this %#@&#! online. in fact i think it makes it worse. online disinhibition effect or something.

and i guess i'm putting him in the role of the helpless onlooker too. i'm starting to sense thatin his response / reaction to me. a kind of a helplessness... a sense of inadequacy... and it is his reaction / response to me... a response to something that i'm doing...

and i hope he realises that.

negative transference is hard too. just like positive transference can be hard. and they are all blended and mixed up all together. and i wish i had a mute button.

i'm sorry.