I've ruined everything. I can't get well because my illness destroys any chance I have. Then my illness gets worse and poisons me more. Every failure make the next more certain. I'm looking, searching, trying to find something to latch onto to give me direction and hope and there is just. nothing. left! I don't know what to do anymore? I only have two choices left. Sit here and die, or go out into the world and destroy myself completely. I need some sort of a miracle. How the **** did this happen to me!